My Journal: A Day in the Life of a Sales Savage
6 AM: My alarm goes off. I always set it to the sound of someone asking to be removed from our call list so I can get better at ignoring it.
6:30 AM: I’m up bright and early. The sun is rising. Across America, people are getting ready for work, blissfully unaware that I am about to do the worst thing a human can possibly do: Mildly inconvenience them by doing my job.
8:00 AM: I put on my standard-issue bulletproof Patagonia vest in case someone tries to shoot me through the phone.
8:15 AM: I say hello to my coworkers. There’s Tony, the alpha SDE. There’s Susan, the no-nonsense busy businesswoman who has hit quota every year since she was 16. There’s Leon, the grizzled detective who can solve any crime but his wife’s murder. We tell Leon he’s in the wrong office.
8:30 AM: First call of the day! I’m screamed at over the phone by a man whose family died in a tragic sales accident. I apologize for calling.
9:00 AM: The sales manager takes the floor in a flowing white robe and we all rise for The Salesperson’s Prayer:
Lord, please give us the confidence to call some random guy on the phone and ask him for 400,000 dollars.
Please protect us from calling anyone going through a nasty divorce that needs to let go of their frustrations through screaming,
May our emails be replied to, our phone calls be answered,
Until we make that final cold call in the sky and close the biggest deal of all: God’s President’s Club.
10:00 AM: A prospect demands I stop Linkedin Stalking him. I endorse him for the skill of being a poor sport.
10:30 AM: Call with a furious prospect ends abruptly. I must have been disconnected, so I call back to restart my pitch.
11:30 AM: The sales manager takes the floor and pins a glossy 8x10 of a random balding man to a whiteboard. “Listen up everybody. I just got word that this man is having a really bad day, so you should all call him as much as you can. Do this because you are evil.”
12:30 PM: I call my mom on my lunch break to catch up. I ask her if she has purchasing authority.
1:30 PM: Feeling tired. The office is observing sober Tuesday, which means the big communal bowl of Adderall is put away till at least 3 PM.
2:30 PM: I decide I’ll try and sell software using sex appeal. I call a qualified prospect and tell them that I am very handsome.
3:45 PM: I log into Salesforce’s tool that tells me when every person in America is eating dinner so I can call them right as they sit down.
4 PM: Midnight London call blitz!
4:15 PM: I preemptively email a prospect ‘UNSUBSCRIBE.’ The best defense is a good offense.
4:45 PM: Finally. I get a bite on a call. “Hello, I am very susceptible to change,” he says. Always a good sign. I ask if he works for a business in need of software. “Yes, I am the CEO of a Fortune 500 company,” he says, then starts crying, “But I don’t have any business software!” I close him and for a brief, fleeting moment, I am happy.
5:00 PM: Quitting time. My coworkers and I all walk down to the parking garage to our 50 identical black Tesla Model S’. We fumble for our key FOBS and they all beep at the same time. One of them bursts into flame. “It does that sometimes,” my coworker remarks.
10 PM: I toss and turn in bed. My wife kisses me. “I just wish I could have annoyed even one more lead,” I say. “You have to let that go,” she says. “You annoyed so many important people. It’s why I fell in love with you.” I love her. I love my job.
