paddy

Director of Business Development

Notorious Answer

4 Things Cats Can Do That HR Can't

I feel like shitting on HR today because why not. So here are 4 things cats can do that HR can't:

1. Cats are crepuscular, meaning they are primarily active during twilight. While HR has called it a day usually by 3pm, a cat takes full advantage of this window of opportunity to pounce on mice, lizards, and interns.

2. A typical house cat is genetically 95.6% tiger. A typical HR rep is genetically 100% rodent.

3. Cats spend 1/3rd of their day grooming themselves. HR spends 3/3rds of their day snooping through your stuff.

4. Cats have retractable claws. Normally, when a cat and its paws are relaxed, its claws are retracted, sheathed with skin and fur to prevent wear and tear on its nails. HR reps do not have a protected sheath on their nails. Usually, the have long and loud nails that wear down quickly from the incessantly obnoxious emails they blast. Usually they come from a lady named Debbie.

-paddy

😂 Sales Humor

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9

22 comments

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CuriousFox

WR Officer

8

🦊

‼🐈‼

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

BOO BOO KITTY

BmajoR

Arsonist

5

Account Executive

Don't you also skin cats for boots and other fur goods?

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

4

☕️

Purrfect by Paddy is a GQ 2022 must-watch brand!

paddy

WR Officer

4

Director of Business Development

I won’t comment on that directly but it further cements my point that cats are at least somewhat useful for things HR isn’t

CoorsKing

WR Officer

5

Retired King of the Coors Knights

“This educational message is made possible by viewers like you. Thank you!” PBS - Paddy

paddy

WR Officer

4

Director of Business Development

Paddy
Broadcasting
System

funcoupons

WR Officer

5

👑

Cats can make up for the fact that they shed all over your clothes, wake you up in the night by jumping on your head, and rip your blinds to shreds because they are very cute. HR employees are always a 5/10 on their very best days, so they don't have this ability. That's why HR is so sour all the time - it's tough being ugly.

SaaSam

Politicker

5

Account Executive

I've not been at a company where HR gals didn't give off that "drunken grope the young bucks at company Christmas party" vibes.

Maybe that's their problem, in desperate need of getting some but nobody willing to give it to 'em.

funcoupons

WR Officer

5

👑

HR is less fuckable than marketing lol and that's saying something.

SaaSam

Politicker

1

Account Executive

I used to write as an outlet when shit beyond my control went wrong. When I was at my first sales job I wrote a story that incorporated nearly everyone in the company and their departments. The HR office was under an old stone bridge with a river of sewage running through it... HR were all trolls that bathed in shit. Not far off from the truth in my experience.

paddy

WR Officer

4

Director of Business Development

It must be tough...wish we could relate...wait no i don't lol fuck that

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

Do u ever just look in the mirror and think "GOD created this" because same.

paddy

WR Officer

4

Director of Business Development

every single morning after we shower yes

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

We’re so blessed.

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

4

☕️

Point 2 gives me an idea.

If HR is 100% rodent, and cats are 95.6% tiger, we have a new solution: office cats. When HR is firing up their overbearing engines, the cats will move in and ensure that Debbie doesn't move a finger near a keyboard. We train the cats to attack the hands when they get ready to hit enter or when "per our last email" is typed.

paddy

WR Officer

4

Director of Business Development

This is exactly where I was going. Do we really need HR anymore? Probably not. They're a dying species that I don't expect to see around in the next 50 years

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

5

☕️

Get a couple of Tabbys and a Himilayan to run that shit.

papaganoush

Opinionated

3

Onboarding Coach

4 things HR and cats do have in common:
- Both shit in litter boxes
- Both lick they own butthole
- Will only do what they themselves want
- Always smell of cafeteria tuna

paddy

WR Officer

2

Director of Business Development

Cats at least have an excuse to lick their own ass holes. It’s instinct. Debbie from HR on the other hand licks her own because nobody else will.

SaaSam

Politicker

2

Account Executive

Fuckin Debbie!

Upper_Class_SaaS

Politicker

0

Account Executive

So basically they are the same?

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