A warning from the future.

The year is 2044. 


Customer Success, Marketing and Sales have all fallen under the sway of one sentient A.I CuMS-net 


Every day at 8:59 the great faceless Gong Legions scream out into the LinkedIn void, hoping that their masters don't look too closely and send them below for not being on 'brand' enough. 


LinkedIn is nothing but a barren wasteland of Chris Voss posts and inspirational stories about uninspirational people. The few who still remember the old days refer to it now as business Tumblr. 


Cold calling once the great saviour of the everyday sales professional has been outlawed under pain of death as a result of the great CISO uprising of 2026. 


On the fringes of civilised SaaS space in an area known as the Blockchain/AI/ML disruptive Uber of the BS outer rim, there are still a few individuals reported to be practising this forbidden art fueled by Kahlua and intern labour.


P.S for reference this is a shit post unlike some of the gifs and polls I've seen recently.

🐱 Off-Topic
💩 Shitpost
39
RedLightning
Politicker
11
Mid-Market AE
Without marketing teams, kombucha, wool knit hats, and scarf sales plummet. Some say that marketers have fled to mars, where they have incredible debates on which medium to announce their whereabouts to other marketers.

Unable to agree on a font and cover letter color, they stay isolated on mars, only agreeing on the fact that the have great brand awareness and have cultivated a sense of "mystique" 
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
8
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
👏-brava- I look forward to their next intergalactic newsletter sent in a format that no one reads. 
RedLightning
Politicker
3
Mid-Market AE
we need more clear shit posts like yours on here. The karma farming is getting over the top with polls.

Is there a shitpost tag?
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
6
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
The little  💩 mini covers this. 

This was written while hungover and lamenting the lack of real shitposts, so I feel yah. 
Chep
WR Officer
10
Bitcoin Adoption Specialist
Yea I could totally see CISO's banding together to make cold calling illegal
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
7
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
That Gousto guy is raring for it. 
CuriousFox
WR Officer
5
🦊
Ok what??? I obviously missed something.
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Gousto's CISO this week did a rant post about how anyone who cold calls his mobile will be immediately blacklisted and he will block the acquisition of that companies solution. 
Standard thing about being on some no government call list and how you have to hold suppliers to higher standard. 

Corp called him out. 
CuriousFox
WR Officer
3
🦊
Don't know how I missed that. Thanks for bringing me up to speed.
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
3
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
🦊 gang
RedLightning
Politicker
2
Mid-Market AE
It's kind of ridiculous. Gusto cold calls SMB's cell phones. The guy worked at Twilio. Dialing has literally made this guy's career, indirectly at least. 

If you're a C-level executive at a soon to be public company, getting sales calls goes hand in hand with the high salary and stock options.
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
4
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
1000% - maybe he's just angling for a new gig. 
TheNegotiator
Arsonist
3
VP of Sales
Lol, they can try. I’ll just use Salesloft to mask my number and call again
SaaSguy
Tycoon
1
Account Executive
They are trying their friggin' best for sure
CuriousFox
WR Officer
8
🦊
This is the best shitpost I've seen in quite some time. 🔥

Also yes there have been some borderline commish farming polls. Tread carefully friends. 🥂
BmajoR
Arsonist
6
Account Executive
I could not find a poll for this post. Try again please. 
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
7
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Umm sir this is a Galactic Wendys. 
BmajoR
Arsonist
6
Account Executive
Oh, my apologies. I was looking for my head, it seems to have gotten lost in my ass.
CaneWolf
Politicker
4
Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract
"The great CISO uprising of 2026" absolutely got me.
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
6
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Emperor Goustotine is waiting in the wings 
GDO
Politicker
0
BDM
Yeah me too! Especially after last weeks rant from the gusto guy. 
JC10X
Politicker
2
Senior Sales Manager
Hahaha loved reading this - the possibility does not seem off at all!
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Thank you, thank you. I benefitted from hungover inspiration and LinkedIn being a shitshow this past week.
Santipodero
Politicker
1
Sanix
que post de basura este es un estilo de vida, not just a hobby
SaaSam
Politicker
1
Account Executive
Thank you kind sir for the happy distraction. This is the kind of relevant shitpost that I look to when I need a tickle to the funny bone but still want to keep my mind in the sales world. 

Also, I'm not creative enough to do it but someone should definitely make a short film of this. @GeneralCorp perhaps?
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
3
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Glad it could help 👍

The little laughs matter. 
HappyGilmore
Politicker
1
Account Executive
Hahaha this was great, with LinkedIn being a wasteland, what happens to one of their top influencers Dan Price?
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
4
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
The Dan Price nation who's individuals are referred to as the Seventyers emerged as a nation state in wyoming. 

No one really cared about wyoming so we just kinda gave it to them. 

The followers of Price are known to chant '70k' into the face of oncoming weather storms in an attempt to beat back mother nature like they did the Karens of Seattle. 
TheNegotiator
Arsonist
1
VP of Sales
Hahahaha the CISO uprising of 2026
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
The trade negotiations have gone poorly with the CISO separatists. 
Santipodero
Politicker
1
Sanix
You are right, the negotiations have been bad since then
TheNegotiator
Arsonist
1
VP of Sales
Count CISO must be stopped at all costs. Do not hesitate to use aggressive negotiations
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
4
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
No one asks about the attack on the SDR's
TheNegotiator
Arsonist
1
VP of Sales
We’re salespeople, not soldiers. If we are to close this threat, we will need an army of AEs following up in unison.
DungeonsNDemos
Big Shot
1
Rolling 20's all day
Let's all try to enjoy business tumblr while we have it, even if it's full of polls about meaningless things and facebook memes
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Any hole is a potential meeting goal. 
ThatannoyingSDR
Opinionated
1
Enterprise SDR
Hahahaha! And SDRs are still trying to get AEs to move Opps from 20 years ago that are "definitely qualified" 
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
4
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
But Brad I swear they're like a DM by now, just look at their career trajectory, totally the person we'd want even if they were an MQL 10 years ago. 
Makarium
Politicker
1
Sdr
Quality shitposting <3 
looper1010
Celebrated Contributor
1
Solutions Specialist
Ahahaha, thanks for the quality shitpost, time traveler.
Beasthouse
Opinionated
-3
Corporate trainer
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
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