The War Room
Question
Post

Best Caffeine Consumption Method

Good morning badgers. 


I am tired as fuck today. While preparing my morning death wish coffee enema, I started to think… what would be the most optimal vector of caffeine consumption?


We all know enemas work. To start, studies have found while caffeine is absorbed slightly faster through the butt, you’ll absorb 3.5 times less caffeine anally than you would if you drank it. This just means larger quantities are required to make up that gap.


But, what about alternative methods?


A study found that when applied to the skin, a significant amount of caffeine actually makes its way all the way through. This suggests that its effects are not only genuine but that you could theoretically get your morning fix just by taking a coffee shower for half an hour while the interns watch. They MUST. But, nobody has that much time. 


We know caffeine is good for your skin and helps reduce wrinkles around the eyes but… what about pouring cold brew directly INTO your eyes? Would that be faster than the shower or the enema? Apparently the amount of liquid that can be  absorbed by the conjunctiva and cornea is too small to have much of an effect, which is a bummer.


IV could also work, some doctors actually give severe migraine patients 60mg of caffeine through IV over 10 minutes. That is definitely less time than the 30 minute shower so that takes a slight lead there, only draw back is the daily needle which I am not a fan of especially in the mornings. 


What about lining up the espresso and snorting it? Apparently the answer is you will get a massive initial kick from the caffeine but the coffee grounds (since they are not pure like cocaine) don't dissolve so you will end up with blocked nasal passages. They DO sell pure caffeine powder, that might work better.


At this point I have no idea but am curious.


Gary Busey has an odd way of smiling for the camera and more star snaps |  Page Six



🏹 War Room
25
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
+10
Bean Juice Drinker | Sales Savant
When I know I have a full day of conference floor surfing to do, I load up a bunch of tiny cotton balls with concentrated ristretto shots. I tape them all to my butthole in even intervals throughout the day for on-demand boofing. Works like a charm!

You could also invest in a Gong Thong with the optional purple-gem butt plug. Take the end of the plug off and replace with a dripper from your favorite THC vape juice and fill it with sweet, sweet coffee. Instant cold call ColdFusion. 
GrizzleMcThornBody
Arsonist
+12
EVP - RevOps
wow
funcoupons
WR Officer
+12
👑
When staying in hotels, I prefer the shower method for obvious reasons. As long as nobody argues with me in the hallway about it and embarrasses me.

However, at home I use the pressure washer method. It's highly efficient, totally soaks the skin, and comes with the added benefit of being just painful enough for a psycho like me to enjoy it. If you live with your spouse or army of simps, you can take turn pressure washing each other - great for bonding! 
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+13
King of the Coors Knights
Ooh I like where your head is at, might have to break out the ol' washer to try that
funcoupons
WR Officer
+12
👑
Definitely do - also, pls film it and DM me the footage.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
I have often don the caffeine powder method when my normal supply of Colombian Disco Dust runs behind on delivery, and it is very much a sharp spike but the lasting effects are.... not what one would look for. Great for an initial jolt combined with the eyeball pour as a means for extended release.
Kinonez
Celebrated Contributor
+9
WR Enthusiast
I now grow my own coffee so I can eat it raw! The leaves add a nice flavour to it!
spoderman
Arsonist
+10
Friendly Neighborhood Spoderman
I like to dip the end of my crayon in caffeine powder and then smoke it
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+13
King of the Coors Knights
A man of culture I see
spoderman
Arsonist
+10
Friendly Neighborhood Spoderman
Yeah I learned it from watching Cops growing up and seeing how PCP is consumed, so it naturally made sense with caffeine and crayons. 
Show 1 more replies
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
+9
Sales Savages, what is our profession? Trauma!
This is the high quality sales content I come to the war room for. 

I'll be sure to share this post when I crush q4 😎😎
Sunbunny31
Politicker
+5
Sales Executive
Just have a port installed.  Easy to hook up the IV when needed.
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+13
King of the Coors Knights
This is fantastic advice thank you
Sunbunny31
Politicker
+5
Sales Executive
It's life changing.
UrAssIsSaaS
Politicker
+8
SaaS Eater
According to my personal studies and all of the "research" I have conducted, the best method I have found is soaking my Copenhagen long cut in cold brew. The fiberglass in the chaw cuts my lips and injects that caffeine directly into the bloodstream, a lethally effective combo. 
FamilyTruckster
Politicker
+9
Exec Director, Major Accounts
Coffee enema works best when you’re also swallowing them simultaneously 
spoderman
Arsonist
+10
Friendly Neighborhood Spoderman
I knew I was missing something. 
DungeonsNDemos
Politicker
+10
Rolling for Initiative
Is it frowned upon to fill up a camelback with coffee while I'm on the tradeshow floor?
Do they insulate those?
FamilyTruckster
Politicker
+9
Exec Director, Major Accounts
Worth a try 
GrizzleMcThornBody
Arsonist
+12
EVP - RevOps
this is kind of soft core but you could just put the grinds in your mouth. skip the filter and pot, take it direct to the gums.
SaaSguy
Big Shot
+9
Account Executive
A blended mixture of fiber glass and espresso ground up finely, put into an empty nicotine pouch, and rested in between your top lip and gums. 
Bl
Blu
Opinionated
+1
Business Development Representative
Cracking open caffeine tabs and snorting?
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+13
King of the Coors Knights
Is that a thing? Send me a link
QueenSoopers
Opinionated
+3
Account Executive
have you tried cocaine?
WomenWantMeFishFearMe
Politicker
+4
SDR LXIX
butt chug
Flippinghubs
Opinionated
+7
Account Executive
I found i was having a ton of coffee when i was in the office (pre COVID) but now i just go cold shower in the morning to wake myself right up 
2
Best brand of Coffee?
Question
6
9
How much caffeine do you drink per day?
Question
10
How much caffeine do you drink per day?
+48
Tsege331 ,   Hotlead ,   MinisterOfChaos   and 48 people voted
*Voting in this poll no longer yields commission.
30
My relationship with caffeine
Discussion
51