CorpFin2SAAS

Incoming AE

Critique my Cold Email SAAS

Howdy. Start of a new year has me brainstorming a new cold email. I don't love the first outreach template for most of my companies sequences (long and not efficient with content. but it kinda works being part of a 25 day touch sequence). Looking for some feedback on what I've put together below:

..................................................................

Time spent on the month-end close is time spent away from added value.

Per an APQC Benchmarking survey, the average monthly close takes organizations 6.4 days. Added that some were spending as much as 10 days on a close.

XX, XX, and XX have leveraged close-management software to gain standardization, automation, and accuracy in their close. Resulting in on average 30% reduction in length of close, while seeing an ROI in ~8 months.

Is this something you’d be interested in learning more about?

💌 Cold Emailing

☁️ Software Tech

15

45 comments

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braintank

Politicker

8

Enterprise Account Executive

Only gripe is first sentence. I think you can make it stronger, and "added value" reads to me as vague/jargon. Other than that I'd say it's quite good.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

7

Incoming AE

New spin on the hook: slight humor.
‘Had a good laugh the other day with a CFO about his 25-day month-end close. Time spent on the month-end close is time spent away from adding value to your company.’

braintank

Politicker

1

Enterprise Account Executive

I like it

Sunbunny31

Politicker

2

Sr Sales Executive 🐰

Nice added touch.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

2

🦊

Much better.

Upper_Class_SaaS

Politicker

2

Account Executive

😂

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

1

Incoming AE

You think I should even have it there in general? It was something I thought would either grab attention or not.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

1

Incoming AE

But I’ll work on that line thanks!

braintank

Politicker

1

Enterprise Account Executive

No the opposite. I think it should be more pointed and specific. Gotta hook them right away!

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

Ok then here’s something, should it be a question or just revise it as a statement hook?

braintank

Politicker

1

Enterprise Account Executive

Statement/hook. Save the question for the end.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

🔥 got it

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

And thank you!

SaaSyBee

Politicker

4

Founder

Make that question at the end open-ended vs. a yes/no question. I always get more responses when I ask a question that lets the prospect talk about themselves and their problems instead of going for the yes/no right away.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

5

Incoming AE

Ah yes. To the point like “What does your current month-end close look like?”?

SaaSyBee

Politicker

1

Founder

Love that!

justadude

Fire Starter

1

The only sales guy

That was my biggest issue. Something like “When are you free to dig in deeper?”

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

Well I’ll let y’all know how it plays 🙏🏼 thanks for the input

IYNFYL

Politicker

3

Enterprise SaaS AE

Yeah I would change the first sentence to be an engaging question for them to flow into wanting to read the rest of your email, like you are reading my full comment right now

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

3

sales

I hate it. I don't know what you sell but if this is working, keep doing it. If it isn't, give me some info on what you sell and I'll write a juicy outbounder for you.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

2

Incoming AE

Awesome. I see what you did there 🧐 and yes of course any personalization I can throw is better then total cold content

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

1

sales

lmk how it goes.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

1

Incoming AE

Close-management software. Besides crafting personalized emails when having context, my company really doesn’t do much with their emails.
It’s an initial outreach talking all about our product just blasting facts (really long), then it’s 8 touch emails in the sequence for follow-up. I’d never read past the first two sentences of the first email.

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

1

sales

close management software for what

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

Also, tell me what you don’t like about it please so I can learn

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

0

sales

i dont know you, im a decision maker, dont give me info. i have pride, let me make the decision. incept me.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

B2B accounting software for closing the books

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

1

sales

got it.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

No facts so should it be even more high level? Not even mentioning the 2 facts about my software?

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

2

sales

ok, i'm a smooth brain, so give this a whirl.

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

4

sales

Find Out What They Are Currently Using & Ask For A Meeting

Subject: Less Expensive Than {CompetitorName} & Close Your Books Faster {FirstName}

Body: Hey {FirstName},

Purpose of my message is to connect with you to request a meeting and showcase why we've been switching companies over from {CompetitorName} to our software for end of year closing.

- We cost $149 less per license, per month.

- We can convert over your current work load seamlessly.

- We provide accounting teams six business days back per month, with the automation on our platform.

Let me know if you have time to chat this week, I'll try you again next week if I don't hear back from you. Thanks!

---

Note: pair this with some sort of tracking software so you can see who is opening your e-mails and call their direct line when you get a notification. You'll probably have meaningful conversations (opens) every day of the week. Also tell them you're following up, force a response yes or no.

Also, mass blasting, even true cold outbounding is pointless if it isn't personalized. I just can't get behind loading up a bunch of emails in my territory in a Salesforce solution and hitting send. I've always out performed those spray and pray methods with a little bit of work before I throw the spear.

Good luck!

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

0

sales

Here's a properly formatted version since I can't get it to work on the message board.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

Me smooth brain too

hh456

Celebrated Contributor

1

sales

are you rich yet

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

1

Incoming AE

Buffering

ActuallyGurvin

Valued Contributor

3

SDR

It takes 6.4 days for an organisation to do monthly closing, some even up to 10 according go APQC benchmarking survey.
How are you ensuring that your staff are using their hours efficiently?
XX are seeing 30% reduction in closing monthly accounts and ROI in ~8 months using our solutions.
Could I send more information over? Thanks - Name

ActuallyGurvin

Valued Contributor

1

SDR

I’d tighten up on the question but otherwise, shorten up your sentences, request to send more information over - that way if they don’t reply, your follow up message includes ANOTHER company similar to theirs with how they’re succeeding. One pager etc

Thatsalesdude

Politicker

2

Account Executive

Not gonna lie, it didnt really grab my attention and I subconsciously skimmed reading it. Needs more of a hook and how you can help.

NoSuperhero

Politicker

1

BDR LEAD

I like it, I feel sometimes the whole asking a relevant question in the first sentence may work, but I like how @sahil delivers cold emails, I try to emulate his approach on my emails.

Stringer

Arsonist

1

SDR

Lol you just asked salespeople to nitpick your email. Send that shiz, adjust based on results. Everyone here just splitting hairs.

SaltySoul

Contributor

1

Director of New Business Development

I think the suggestions for the body of the email request are effective.

I try to capture the targets attention in the Subject Line to avoid an instant delete.

Subject: Close monthly accounts 30% faster - 8 mth ROI

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

0

☕️

1) it is too long.
2) it is not personal.
3) there is no clear CTA.
4) weak close that let’s me ghost you or say no too easily.

5/10, would help you rewrite if so desired.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

This is for cold outreach (no personalization to be had). I’d love feedback. I understand it has a weak hook too, but I want the prospect to feel I’m a consultant not some pushy salesman. Idk it’s trial and error!

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

2

☕️

You’re just dumping a bunch of info too fast. Start with an open ended question, lead with a bit of the value you add, and end with a clear ask.

CorpFin2SAAS

Contributor

0

Incoming AE

Thanks! I’ll put it to work

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