Dear HR, Fuck You

Now, I understand that my new firm has everyone in HR in California while my office is in NY, BUT THEY CAN DO THEIR GOD DAMNED JOBS


✅ Start date July 19th

✅ Told that my health benefits would commence August 1st

✅ August 4th - First “Welcome email” with instructions for things I’m not even subscribed to nor given permission to access yet

✅ August 5th - Email marked urgent stating that my pre-hire document verification is past due (I scanned and sent them this immediately)

✅ August 5th - Email verification stating that they received the documents and will follow up with any further questions

✅ August 5th - send email to HR stating that I cannot complete the onboarding instructions because of permissions/etc. Get told to email IT. Spend 5 hours with IT. ONE password is fixed, the rest “will come and to slow down”

✅ August 5th - ANOTHER “urgent” email from

HR stating that I need to complete my onboarding, even though I literally can’t

✅ August 6th - I inquire about a “new hire orientation” meeting that is apparently held every Tuesday ( a coworker told me). HR says they will sign me up for the next week.

✅ August 10th - Zoom new hire meeting. Basically do what’s on the list I was sent that I can’t access

✅ August 12th - kicked out of ALL passwords at this point, IT gives up and sends me back to HR

✅ August 16th - receive invitation to enroll in benefits (but need to be completed 30 days from

initial day of hire). I immediately go through the whole process as fast as I can

✅ August 20th - check on my benefits status today, only to discover that BECAUSE THEY COULDNT SEND ME A FUCKING EMAIL ON TIME ALL MY ELECTIONS GOT DELETED AND IM NOT ELIGIBLE TO ENROLL AGAIN UNTIL MAY 2022


Obviously I need medical coverage today. Obviously my supervisors are OOO. Obviously no one in HR will answer the phone or email me back.


SO FUCK YOU HR. IDGAF IF ITS FRIDAY. DO YOUR GOD DAMNED JOB OR ILL GIVE EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE A KAHLUA ENEMA WHILE ON HOVERBOARDS AND TOSS EMPTY COORS LIGHT CANS OUT THE WINDOW FROM SEVEN STORIES UP, ALL TO FUCK WITH YOUR WORKLOAD.


where is the drinking post? I need a whole lot.

🏰 War Stories
🛩 Onboarding
🏙 Corporate Experiences
52
CuriousFox
WR Officer
22
🦊
I am frustrated for you just reading this. I am so sorry.

What the hell is up with weak ass company onboarding processes? Especially the larger the company the worse it seems?
Incognito
WR Officer
10
Master of Disaster
It’s because I’m the “test dummy” for hiring sales reps who aren’t already making 7 figures (At least that’s my understanding), so they have no system in place for onboarding when it’s not a service role. Still dumb af. 
DataSlangah
Politicker
1
SAE
Is it true that HR got back to you and said "you should have made seven figures last year and this wouldn't have happened to you?"


JK - This story makes me hate HR even more.
Incognito
WR Officer
4
Master of Disaster
No - but it was implied as an excuse by management and coworkers. Like, you only closed a couple million last year so you are low priority until you add a zero. 
someoneinsales
Tycoon
13
Director of Sales
TOP DEFINITION of HR Human Resources. A non-value added component of many large companies. Human resources is a worthless division in a company that often has power beyond its members' level of intelligence. Human resources generally spends most of its time justifying its existence.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
10
🦊
So sickening and sad.
Incognito
WR Officer
9
Master of Disaster
I see what you did there and it's amazeballs. Exactly what I needed in this moment <3 
CaneWolf
Politicker
3
Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract
Mooney wins the WR this week.
someoneinsales
Tycoon
2
Director of Sales
🤣
hh456
Celebrated Contributor
10
sales
god damn. healthcare.gov had less issues when it was rolled out.
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
8
☕️
I...I would be snarky, but I am honestly just flabbergasted here. I...wow. What?
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
8
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Holy fuck this is a rollercoaster. 

Who are we firebombing first?
Incognito
WR Officer
9
Master of Disaster
Everyone named Sara, Lisa and Matt. 

*who aren't in sales
BigCheese
Notorious Answer
6
Agency Recruiter
Really great process to onboard new employees. Nothing says "this is an amazing company to be at, we're glad you're here," like a fully dysfunctional onboarding process.

Sorry to hear that, frustrated for you.
Incognito
WR Officer
8
Master of Disaster
What's worse, is that it *IS* a great company to be at - no quota, no metrics, no requirements, a fat salary and sweet commission structure with no bullshit (with the caveat that if you don't close, you're fired). We're #1 in my niche for a reason. 

Just absolute shit HR and IT.  I guess the reps make so much money that they don't care, so it could be worse. It just sucks for me *right now* and I'm throwing a tantrum haha
BigCheese
Notorious Answer
4
Agency Recruiter
I guess that makes sense. If it's great in so many aspects, it's gotta be fucky somewhere. Leave it to HR to take on that responsibility. Best of luck to you as you acclimate and rake that commishhhhh
Incognito
WR Officer
7
Master of Disaster
At least @paddy would love it here - no one uses the CRM and HR is non-existent 
CaneWolf
Politicker
5
Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract
FUCK. I feel for you. Fucking HR
MinisterOfChaos
Politicker
4
Commercial Account Executive
I think you need to send your HR department a "Thank You" Sendoso of flaming dog shit.

That should help them figure things out.
detectivegibbles
Politicker
2
Sales Director
“He called the shit poop!”
LordBusiness
Politicker
4
Chief Revenue Officer
This just sucks, but is unfortunately so god damn common. Execution on simple shit is massively difficult of almost every aspect of business outside of sales. Why? Because we have firm numbers, firm deadlines, built in accountability.
SaaSsy
Politicker
3
AE
That is ridiculous! It’s amazing how HR thinks it’s still the 1970s - you should have an easy system in place to get everything knocked out quickly. Sorry, that is super stressful when you’re trying to focus on having a successful first few weeks!
DungeonsNDemos
Big Shot
2
Rolling 20's all day
Holy shitshow Batman! I am feeling deep empathy for you and I can't believe how incompetent they are being. 
I would just find a new job at that point, and refuse to work until they sort this out.
cw95
Politicker
2
Sales Development Lead
Ah, I feel for you. HR get paid to gossip and make peoples lives harder sometimes! 
BlueJays2591
Politicker
2
Federal Business Dev Director
HR is the blight of humanity. How some of them live with themselves being as worthless as they are is beyond me. HR is the communications degree of the business world. 
Sniper
Valued Contributor
2
Enterprise Account Executive
I upvoted this just from the post title
Incognito
WR Officer
6
Master of Disaster
Totally justified
okaysalesman
Praised Answer
1
Account Executive
Dont want to be that guy but Im going to plant the seed anyway : If that's how they treat you now, what makes you think they'll treat you better down the line?
Incognito
WR Officer
8
Master of Disaster
Because I’m going to make so much fucking money

*also still riled the fuck up haha
okaysalesman
Praised Answer
1
Account Executive
hahah fair enough! Go make that money! have a great day :)
TheNegotiator
Arsonist
1
VP of Sales
Lol. 5/7 well written. Your frustration reverberates
Incognito
WR Officer
6
Master of Disaster
5/7 response 
SAASLeader12
Member
1
US Sales Director
Makes sense !!!! Nobody wants to work anymore but sales god damn better produce 
NoSuperhero
Politicker
1
BDR LEAD
I was angry at just reading it, bro. I'd be causing up a storm in the hr dpt by now
Incognito
WR Officer
4
Master of Disaster
I did, don’t worry “bro”

(for the record, I’m a lady) 
BmajoR
Arsonist
5
Account Executive
chill bro 
GDO
Politicker
1
BDM
Oh man you got me all fired up. I never met a good HR department 
Jbeans
Opinionated
1
Director of Sales
Our onboarding is horrid also. My first day was here’s your computer turn it on we have a meeting. Drinking from the firehouse ever since… 
Incognito
WR Officer
5
Master of Disaster
I hope you’re paid well.
Jbeans
Opinionated
1
Director of Sales
Define well? Lol 😂 
Incognito
WR Officer
4
Master of Disaster
Touché - well enough to put up with the bullshit?
Jbeans
Opinionated
0
Director of Sales
Sometimes… easy to say fuck it all … but bills don’t pay themselves. 
Wildcard
Opinionated
1
Account Executive
Incompetence is the true pandemic
Incognito
WR Officer
4
Master of Disaster
FAX
alecabral
Arsonist
0
Director - Digital Sales Transformation
Sorry to hear this is happening! hope you can escalate next week and get things done. Unbelievable!
Incognito
WR Officer
6
Master of Disaster
Way ahead of you. This closer already got shit solved real fucking fast by the time I hit the "post" button.

Don't fuck with my money. Yell at me, scream at me, threaten me, I give no fucks. But if you mess with my money, I'm going full honey badger. 
alecabral
Arsonist
0
Director - Digital Sales Transformation
This is the way @Incognito 🙌🏼🙌🏼
SalesRecruiter
Opinionated
0
Recruiting Director
I feel like you can still work something out especially if you have documentation. I used to work in insurance and there were plenty of times where I had to sneak an employee in because of miscommunication.
MR.StretchISR
Politicker
0
ISR
Nature Boy!! Ric Flair is the GOAT
31
Members only

Dear Friday, Fuck You

Discussion
36
16
Members only

Fuck Off

Discussion
30
21
Members only

.....you know what? Fuck it.

Discussion
54