E-Mail Teardown

Hey savages,


need your advice when it comes to my mails. Started a new job back in April in the Finance industry helping companies to manage and shorten their financial planning tool with a SaaS tool here in Europe.


Given that my messaging game is not where it should be, I would appreciate your inputs on my draft.


Thank you in advance!



Here are two mails that I would send as the first mail => things that still bother me are that they are too long and in my opinion still a bit too general.


E-Mail 1:


Dear Mr. XXX,


saw your vacant senior financial controller position and noticed that you are looking into improving the current analysis, reporting, budgeting, and forecasting processes.

 

Speaking from experience most "THEIR INDUSTRY" spend with their current approach (via "TOOLS THEY USE ACCORDING TO JOB DESC.".) twice as much time as necessary to handle all their FP&A processes.


What if you could spend more time on business partnering and risk management by managing all your FP&A processes with a single platform and automating manual processes like "REFERENCE COMPANY 1" and "REFERENCE COMPANY 2" did…..


would this be worth a chat?


PS: "SHORT INDIVIDUAL PS"



E-Mail 1- Alternative:



Hello Mr XXX,


saw that you are currently using "TOOLS" to manage your FP&A processes.


Not certain whether that is the case for you, but many "THEIR INDUSTRY" are looking into streamlining their FP&A processes to spend more on business partnering and risk management.


What if you could do exactly that with a single planning platform that is tailored to your specific needs like your peers did at "REFERENCE COMPANY"…


... would this be worth looking into?


PS: "SHORT INDIVIDUAL PS"


Please feel free to be honest and don't hold back!!

💌 Cold Emailing
6
hh456
Celebrated Contributor
3
sales
hey i love you so just an idea, why not just call these lead lists? here's a script.

"Hey Chuck, its Hezekiah from Blingo. (you can pause here or go straight into stating your purpose)

You guys ever considering automating your FP&A process? (certainly pause here and don't speak till he/she says yes/no)"

That's it, that's the million dollar script. Regardless of their response you can now get into your pitch cause they'll hear you out. Try to set a meeting, get a demo, sound like a conversational human.

good luck!
LocoSales
Politicker
2
Jr. Sales Manager
Much appreciated my man! I usually call first then send mail and then a LinkedIn request and then a mix of things until I get past 12 touchpoints. Will try your script for my next call thank you ✊
Tres
Politicker
2
Account Executive
I would cut it down from 3 paragraphs to 2, you're right it's too long. 2 paragraphs 2-3 lines each is plenty long enough
LocoSales
Politicker
0
Jr. Sales Manager
Good input thank you!
antiASKHOLE
Tycoon
1
Bravado's Resident Asshole
@TennisandSalesyou were in this world, what are your thoughts/recommendations?
TennisandSales
Politicker
2
Head Of Sales
thanks for the tag! Here are my thoughts:

Email 1.

- dont use "dear" or "mr". This is a dead give away that they dont know you. Start it with "hi (firstname)."

- you dont need to call our where you saw the tool they use from. that doesn't help you.

I like email #2 much better.

always try to avoid "buzzwords" like 'streamline'. be more specific about the exact process they are streamlining, and what the result was. ONLY reference current customers of yours if you are SURE they would be a good fit.
LocoSales
Politicker
1
Jr. Sales Manager
Thank you so much this helps a lot!
LocoSales
Politicker
0
Jr. Sales Manager
Thank you :)
SADNESSLieutenant
Politicker
1
Officer of ♥️
Dear Mr. XXX,

What if you could spend more time on business partnering and risk management?

"THEIR INDUSTRY" spends on (via "TOOLS THEY USE ACCORDING TO JOB DESC.".) twice as much time as necessary to handle FP&A processes.

However, by managing FP&A processes within a single platform and automating manual processes like "REFERENCE COMPANY 1" and "REFERENCE COMPANY 2" did they now spend half what they used too.

Interested in spending less and doing more? let's chat.

Best,
SADNESSLieutenant
Kosta_Konfucius
Politicker
2
Sales Rep
stealing this and makign it my own!!
LocoSales
Politicker
0
Jr. Sales Manager
Sweet thank you 👍
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