Hi, Paddy here...

My CEO called me in her office and wants to understand what could be improved overall in the company.


I only have one thing top of mind right now that I can provide some solid feedback into what would make our office a better place: being allowed to smoke cigarettes inside.


Any (non-serious) recommendations from you all that I can relay to her?


-paddy

๐ŸŽˆ Mentorship
๐Ÿ™ Mental Wellness
๐Ÿน War Room
29
CadenceCombat
Tycoon
20
Account Executive
Closed deal = bonus of one plinko chipโ€ฆ the plinko board has a slot for every marketing employee in your companyโ€ฆ whoever your plinko chip lands on needs to be an SDR the following month and feed you a real qualified leadโ€ฆ when they inevitably fail to do so, they must throw themselves into a human plinko board where every slot leads to an incinerator.

#Innovation
funcoupons
WR Officer
11
๐Ÿ‘‘
I missed you.
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
11
โ˜•๏ธ
This is high octane fuckery--I love it.
UrAssIsSaaS
Arsonist
8
SaaS Eater
Let me pick my jaw up off the floor, bravo
GDO
Politicker
1
BDM
Haha this is amazing. Does the marketing team get a chip for delivering a lead that closes?ย 

would love to work marketing for a month. Just drinking some lates coming in late leaving early. Only downside is that bio/vegan stuff they always eat (and pay of course)
funcoupons
WR Officer
10
๐Ÿ‘‘
Um, it's a good thing you're pretty because you aren't that smart if you didn't think to suggest mandatory communal showers with glass walls in the middle of the office...
paddy
WR Officer
7
Director of Business Development
I already had my interns construct one for me. I go over her head for things like that. C'mon now I'm not THAT dumb
funcoupons
WR Officer
7
๐Ÿ‘‘
kk good because I was about to tell you that you MUST do this immediately.ย 
paddy
WR Officer
4
Director of Business Development
I MUST I MUST I MUST I MUUUUUSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTT
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
4
โ˜•๏ธ
Careful, don't embarrass me.
funcoupons
WR Officer
4
๐Ÿ‘‘
I come to this hotel often.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
8
๐ŸฆŠ
What about drinking beer at your desk since you had the snitch issue?ย 
paddy
WR Officer
6
Director of Business Development
You're absolutely right. The snitch shall be taken care of, thanks for reminding me fox
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
8
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
Hi Paddy, have you triedย shamWow?
paddy
WR Officer
4
Director of Business Development
For chloroform soaked rags? Or...?
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
5
No marketing, mayo isn't an MQL
It depends if we're talking about the intern or our will to live.ย 
UrAssIsSaaS
Arsonist
7
SaaS Eater
If I recall, diamond encrusted gold spoons are a hit, so company provided ones should up morale
funcoupons
WR Officer
9
๐Ÿ‘‘
It's diamond encrusted coke straws, get it right.
UrAssIsSaaS
Arsonist
7
SaaS Eater
FUCK - my B. Strong memory has never been a strength of mine
funcoupons
WR Officer
7
๐Ÿ‘‘
It's ok, we all can't be perfect like me.
antiASKHOLE
Tycoon
2
Bravado's Resident Asshole
That's why there was bleeding... hmm thanks for the correction of usage.ย 
paddy
WR Officer
8
Director of Business Development
These would match my diamond oscillating spindle vibrator I just purchased.
UrAssIsSaaS
Arsonist
5
SaaS Eater
Synergies
CoorsKing
WR Officer
5
Retired King of the Coors Knights
The spoons are either gold or titanium. Straws are Diamond.
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
7
โ˜•๏ธ
Showers on the floor.

Thicc Blunt Thursdays

Intern Pain Parade in place of Monday team meetings.

Colombian bam-bam on-demand vending machines.
funcoupons
WR Officer
8
๐Ÿ‘‘
Oooooh if we're doing daily themes might I suggest:

Maniac with a Lit Cigarette Mondays
Try Me Bitch and Find Out Tuesdays
Whip Debbie in HR Wednesdays
Thicc Blunt Thursdays
Fucked Up By Morning Coffee Break Fridays
poweredbycaffeine
WR Lieutenant
3
โ˜•๏ธ
I was thinking "Shrooms and Float Tank Fridays"
funcoupons
WR Officer
2
๐Ÿ‘‘
We could do an entire drug themed one tbh.

Mescaline and Chill On the Couches Monday
Tootski Tuesdaysย 
Weed Blowin Wednesdays
Tranquillizer and a 42 hour Nap Thursdays
Fry Your Brain Doing Loose Pills Fridays
TheOverTaker
Politicker
5
Senior Account Executive
Intern cage fights
UrAssIsSaaS
Arsonist
6
SaaS Eater
Low hanging fruit
TheOverTaker
Politicker
5
Senior Account Executive
we can incorporate fruit too
BmajoR
Arsonist
5
Account Executive
Ask to have bidet's installed in the bathrooms
CharmingSalesGal
Politicker
4
Account Executive
I'm assuming your office already has a no pants rule but would also make it a requirement for interns to wear multiple feather boas. Really boosts company culture.
funcoupons
WR Officer
7
๐Ÿ‘‘
Feather boas are highly flammable and the feathers could choke someone if inhaled.

I like it.
CharmingSalesGal
Politicker
3
Account Executive
Honestly, add bottle service with sparklers to the list to really get the sales team motivated!
FamilyTruckster
Politicker
4
Exec Director, Major Accounts
5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact from her. Once a day.ย 
UserNotFound
Politicker
3
Account Executive
I think that potentially the biggest improvement that could be made to any company, really, is to elevate the man himself to CEOโ€ฆ Paddy, I believe your corner office is waiting for you, stocked with kahlua, interns, and it has one of those phones that when you pick it up it immediately connects to a 1-900# with Coup {wo}manning the other end.
paddy
WR Officer
5
Director of Business Development
Ask for the moon? Okay, I'll consider it.
funcoupons
WR Officer
4
๐Ÿ‘‘
Don't need a phone if I'm hiding in his coat closet waiting for him to get off work so I can watch him shower.
0PercentCloseRate
Politicker
3
Oh boy
In honor of halloween could we get this guy to come in and give a motivational speech? Also could he take the annoying coworker with him on his way out?
goose
Politicker
2
Sales Executive
Question: does this include cigars?
RealPatrickBateman
Politicker
2
๐Ÿ”ชAmateur Butcher๐Ÿ”ช
Bottom 2 SDR's every month have to fight to the death with dull butter knives.

Accelerated Darwinism = Retained Top Tier Talent.ย 

Classic win-win scenario.ย 
dwightyouignorantsale
Politicker
1
Account Executive
The only thing better than inside cigs is inside cigs while listening to rockstar by Nickelback on repeat all day
funcoupons
WR Officer
3
๐Ÿ‘‘
I'll have the quesadilla
dwightyouignorantsale
Politicker
1
Account Executive
*ha ha*
Justatitle
Big Shot
1
Account Executive
Go full family guy episode and just come in on a Tuesday and have everyone pull what role theyโ€™ll be responsible for.
Sunbunny31
Politicker
0
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Fridge full of beer at every workstation.ย  ย 
Diablo
Politicker
0
Sr. AE
Atleast one wine tasting evening every 2 weeks.
ChunkyButters
Tycoon
0
AE
Communal cocaine....for.....productivity
RedLightning
Politicker
0
Mid-Market AE
If marketing sends random emails to prospects who you have an active opportunity with and the deal does not close, they must pay the a percentage of the unrealized commission to you.ย 

Specifically, the money comes out of their kombucha, scarf, and stupid campaign that misses the mark fund.
cw95
Politicker
0
Sales Development Lead
Social rugby matches where dropping the soap is a company requirement.
ZeroGrit
Valued Contributor
0
VP of Hoping My Emails Find You Well
BDSM dungeon to destress and hang.
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