Like a young Dr. Frankenstein (that's 2 Mel Brooks references between the title and here for those keeping score) - I've created a monster. No this isn't my standard bi-weekly post about a minor annoyance that makes me want to question every bit of my continued existence like a hypochondriac in a vat full of used needles. Today I get to tell you about the craziest shit I have ever done on a sales demo.
Context - current client, we'll call them Mountain Company (Mt co for short to save me some typing) has made it known that they like us, but they only use us to plug into an organization that they feel doesn't give a shit about Mt Co any more. They go on to inform us that they will also be looking to move ALL of their business to 1 system (they currently have about 5). This business would instantly double the size/rev/everything of my existing company. So the situation is now, lose the good portion we have in 12/18mo OR WIN FUCKING EVERYTHING.
It should be easy, we should be the frontrunner - we are the most response team MT CO has ever worked with, we have great rapport, they trust us to do what we say we are going to do, NO BS -- BUT there is the problem with us being grouped with the org we had plugged into for them (we have a front end but we were just the back end in this case) and the perception that we are small potatoes (fucking marketing). Thus begins my true battle.
We have a great demonstration, I use a killer deck that highlights our actual function, scalability and other huge names in the area. CHECK, CHECK, AND FUCKING CHECK. The meeting ends and I think we are cool. Set next call/steps and then I get a call from my inside champion. "Function is fine...but your ui just looks unfinished and Mt Co can't look past it"...FUCK.. we've heard this before. Yeah our UI looks like linux and win95 had a one night stand and left the child in the nearest dumpster...Ok i maybe exaggerating but not by much. Marketing doesn't even show screenshots of this shit in their content so it's bad. We've lost deals on it before, we've talked about redoing it before but it gets pushed aside and that has happened many times in past 7 or so years. Now they are singing the praises of our top competitors b/c their shit looks pretty and yeah they know it is just the best of the worst options function wise. UGH.
My champion, b/c she is a fucking G says, you know if you had SOMETHING YOU WERE PLANNING ON UPDATING SOON you could show that mockup, this deal doesn't happen for 12/18mo after all. There it is - I have just been given the greenlight to literally MAKE SOMETHING COMPLETELY UP and win the biggest deal I've ever even sniffed. My buddy told me this is the most "me" situation he has ever heard and my level of bullshittery was made for this. BUT WHERE DOES ONE EVEN FUCKING START WITH THIS TASK? and did i mention i had 48hrs before the next call? yeah fucking SWEEEEEET.
What would FRANK FUCKING REYNOLDS DO? (that's Danny DeVito's role in always sunny if you are an uncultured swine) He'd open a fucking sweat shop and make all the suckers do the work. Where am I going to find a sweatshop you ask? MARKETING! mwahaha. I grab my favorite marketing fiend and tell him what we need to do, he says awesome! before asking the timeline and I saw the life drain out of his face faster than Nazi souls zipped out of their melting faces when they saw the ark of the covenant. NOW he gets it. We get to work, I nitpick the shit out of it and then I mention we have to do another page as well.
LOng story that could be longer short - we did it. We made the mockups, they look great to us and why wouldn't they? they are built on absolutely nothing like I'm selling vinegar as the cure to cancer and ED to settlers in the klondike in 1896. I clean up, I wear the suit (it's virtual but fuck it, I'm all in now) and we do the DEMO...............
THEY FUCKING LOVE IT. Call from the champ right after the call - MT CO internal comms going off the chain with "this is night and day" and I had my issues but if this is their direction, "I would love to work with this day in and day out" "This is better than anything anyone else has". Again, of course it is I could do/put anything in it. But NOW this shit is real. MY CTO IS hitting me with WTF DID YOU PROMISE, WTF AM I GOING TO DO? MY CEO IS like fuck yeah we can announce this at the conference, and I'm hiding it from my AEs b/c they would promise it to everyone yesterday.
Now I finally understand how the Silicon Bros get all high on their own ideas so fast but I have to actually get this to work. I'm waiting on the greenlight from MT CO but am already getting waaaaay deep with the reality of making 2 screenshots become the future of my company. This is new fucking territory and I'm both proud of myself and terrified of the consequences of my actions.
Any who - I know this was a lot but it's been a crazy past 72 hours and I wanted to share with proper villains who may understand the ride I'm now on. I'll of course update you savages when the deal has a signature and an amount that would make you more excited than a newly paid NFL rookie staring at the neon supercar he's about to hit 200mph through a flock of pedestrians while smelling like a pre-marvel Robert Downey Jr. -- OR -- of course if this crazy action of mine puts the deal in jeopardy or gets even sillier as I go venture down the looking glass into the world of make believe and selling on dreams.
TL;DR: In order to land the biggest deal ever, I've completely fabricated the "new" UI for my system and now I have to make it happen before Q2 of next year...
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