I've officially received the worst cold email.

I've officially received the worst cold email.

(Pink is every time he used my first name.)

😂 Sales Humor

💌 Cold Emailing

💩 Shitpost

108 comments

Sort by:

Best

paddy

Director of Business Development

+11

I'll take "things that make me want to stab myself in the eyeballs for $2,000, Alex"

I want to take this guy and throw him into a lounge full of wannabe IG influencers that force him to take 69k photos of them drinking an Aperol Spritz. If he tries to leave, I'll come in and whip him with booster cables. Then once I'm satisfied watching him lose every ounce of sanity he has left, I'd like to force him to skinny dip in the LA river until he drowns.

TheNegotiator

VP of Sales

Why booster cables? 😂

Show 6 more replies

TheNegotiator

VP of Sales

Alex is dead yo, show some respect

Alex would respect it. He suffered no fools. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8_GNi6OTZY)

Show 1 more replies

aSaaSinator

Contributor

Sales Director

I’ll take “things that make me want to stab HIM in the eyeballs for $2,000, Alex”

bruh

It's funny how you can tell the exact person he is too from his email. He's that idiot kid from school who's a winey, loud over confident brat who everyone hates but his ego is so big he never realises and never shuts tf up and carries on being a dick in everyone's face.

popepius

Enterprise Sales Lead

5’7, white sunglasses, drives a jacked up truck

braintank

so many words used to say so little...

Imagine if he said this to you in person. I would curl up and die.

braintank

I'd have pulled out my phone after paragraph 3

SaaSam

I'd just ask him who the hell Gretsky is. When he doesn't sever ties with you for not knowing who Gretsky is, call him a liar and say you're uncomfortable working with someone who doesn't keep their word.

"Call me The Shepherd, Charlie. In between running half marathons, tending to my flock, and traveling to Ethiopia, I like to make sports analogies, Charlie. Charlie, I'm like the Mia Hamm of cold emails. Don't know who that is, Charlie? Then you must still be wet behind the fucking ears, Mr. The Wolf."

savagesalessavelives

Opinionated

is this a quote??? what is this lol

Show 2 more replies

CoorsKing

King of the Coors Knights

+13

What the actual fuck was that

An 8 ball and a long night of writing email sequences

SaleingAway

Opinionated

Bro 😩😂 Fucking exactly man 💀

Show 1 more replies

Damn just at first glance this thing is a novel! Straight to the spam folder.

Director of Business Development

Ironically that's where I found it. I was just clearing that shit out.

Makes sense

You stole my rap name by the way, E$, mixtape is fire

Can't steal it if I had it first 😎

Show 3 more replies

CuriousFox

+13

Senior Account Executive

wut

I think I can explain. This guy went to school to be a copywriter but everyone found him so insufferable that he had to work in a different field. Now he types up insane emails like this and thinks it's charming.

CuriousFox

+13

Senior Account Executive

Ok this helps thank you 🍺

Sunbunny31

Sr Sales Executive

Ouch. And using Gretzky...sacrilege.

That's rough. But then to pretend that no one else knows Gretzky? I'm nearly 30, bitch. Post on your awful TikTok about how "no one" knows who Gretzky or the Gorillaz are anymore...

CaneWolf

Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract

+12

What is happening?

Mr.Saucey

Valued Contributor

Commercial Account Executive

I sent you that email in confidence

TheNegotiator

VP of Sales

On a scale of 1 to cringe…

... you're just as turned on as I am?

what in the fkn fck

I'm not sure what's worse - that he asked me to call him The Wolf, that he can't go one conversation without mentioning the Ironman, or that he thinks that he's a good writer.

Notmyrealname

SDR

Imagine having having so little self awareness that you write THAT email and include lines accusing prospects who ignore you of being overconfident or having too much ego.

Also, when I read it I picture overconfident, "healthy" Morty.

Oh god that’s definitely who he is. The fact that that’s almost my name really puts the nail in the coffin.

aSaaSinator

Contributor

Sales Director

Your name is almost The Wolf?????

Show 1 more replies

Pachacuti

They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy

no words....
...and no business.

telemarketer with a salary

No reply either! I wouldn't know where to begin except sharing this thread.

I'd actually accept a MTG with him so I could give him shit about this email. Like get 15 people you know on the call, pump them up as big execs then absolutely roast him on the call with questions he could nevwr see coming. I mean we all got to hustle but it's this shit that tarnishes sales in general.

hahahah

@thadeuce

SSinYYZ

Vice-President, Producer

...you might have sufficient meets in your cal..." That's adorbs.

"How can I say a normal sentence in a way that doesn't sound human?"

ewwwwwwwww

I threw up in my mouth..

Please tell me you responded

What can you say when faced with such a masterpiece?

It all stacks up

Out of all of the things, #mindset??

Corpslovechild

Inbound Sales Manager

Bro why did you have to blow me up like that.

Corpslovechild

Inbound Sales Manager

Joking btw. I would never send this email. I ain't no bitch.

Jackywaky

Senior AM

I'm trying - God knows I'm trying

Just for you -

Who’s this stranger saying he’s got my back. Do I know him?

No, you don’t, but wait, I’m just about to introduce myself in a sec.

I’m the guy they go see when there’s not enough sales meetings in their calendars. Call me The Wolf. My real name is Charles though, and I’m CEO and Account Exec (Closer)@TopLeads.

I’m here to be your friend, so let’s drop your guard here. I’m here to fill these empty slots in your calendar with quality humans interested in buying your stuff, *****.

Now all of this is beautiful until it’s not, *****. Most of my emails don’t get past the “important” filter in your mind. I mean you might have sufficient meets in your cal right now, *****. Heck, you might even be overwhelmed and have wayyyy too much friggin work. Yet, for how long, *****?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned doing Ironmans and Temazcals (Mexican sauna), it’s that every-time I’m too confident, I fall on my face. Yeah, I’m talking about that ego all of us Sales Peeps have. It’s good until it’s too good, and then it’s not.

These dry periods are rough as hell. It’s the worst feeling in the world, IMO, as an AM. Let’s not wait til it happens, let’s invest and plant seed before it’s too late.

We’re still in the “good times” *****, and if you slightly identified yourself in one of these oh-so-convincing lines up there, then I believe it’d be in both of our best interests to book a meet.

You have that calendar link, I know it, I mean that’s what you do daily. I want you to reserve me a time there, in a week or two.

I’m patient, I’m a pretty nice guy too, and I wanna work with you. I wanna be your wingman. You’ll be Gretzky. I’ll pass it to you. You can score. If you don’t know who Gretzky is we can’t work together though. He’s a hockey legend and canadian or not *****, I expect your all-of-famers-knowledge-game to be on point.

After all, aren’t we Top Athletes ourselves, in the game of sales?

Jackywaky

Legendary Historical Figure

Senior AM

This is the most beautiful thing someone has done for me <3

Show 2 more replies

SunTzu

Good Citizen

Why do lead gen companies always have the worst prospecting strategies?

Telehealth_2the_Moon

Notable Contributor

+14

Director of Business Development

I've never seen someone talk about themselves this much in a cold email before. This is painful.

My teammate said "the personalization tokens you're seeing in your email template are supposed to be about the PROSPECT not yourself."

TennisandSales

i litterlly just saw how long it was.....and that was enough to know its terrible 😂

techsales

SDR (Sales Development Rep)

wtf

dojoman

Painful!

Mobi85

Regional Sales Manager

Would lose me in the first sentence and go directly to trash.