(Pink is every time he used my first name.)
youngsmoky
I've officially received the worst cold email.
81
I'll take "things that make me want to stab myself in the eyeballs for $2,000, Alex"
I want to take this guy and throw him into a lounge full of wannabe IG influencers that force him to take 69k photos of them drinking an Aperol Spritz. If he tries to leave, I'll come in and whip him with booster cables. Then once I'm satisfied watching him lose every ounce of sanity he has left, I'd like to force him to skinny dip in the LA river until he drowns.
Why booster cables? 😂
He's going to spend the first 20 minutes trying to find a floatie that will buoy his massive ego and then try to slink off crying because "no one understands his genius".
They thicc
Why not booster cables?
Fair enough. If you’re going to do booster cables, you might as well hook him up to a car batter for a little bit, like the guy in Taken
Cute you think I need torture tips. I have my PhD in it. Graduated with honours. 😇
Was a suggestion, not a tip. Out of the wide selection of things you COULD do, that’s one I’d like to see done.
Also, you ain’t got nothing on me coups. Out of the two of us, I am by far the more twisted. And while many people see that as a flaw- we know better 😇
Happy torturing ;)
Also, you ain’t got nothing on me coups. Out of the two of us, I am by far the more twisted. And while many people see that as a flaw- we know better 😇
Happy torturing ;)
Alex is dead yo, show some respect
Alex would respect it. He suffered no fools. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8_GNi6OTZY)
I am showing respect. I’m still answering to him, not the new host. Forever a legend.
I’ll take “things that make me want to stab HIM in the eyeballs for $2,000, Alex”
bruh
It's funny how you can tell the exact person he is too from his email. He's that idiot kid from school who's a winey, loud over confident brat who everyone hates but his ego is so big he never realises and never shuts tf up and carries on being a dick in everyone's face.
5’7, white sunglasses, drives a jacked up truck
so many words used to say so little...
Imagine if he said this to you in person. I would curl up and die.
I'd have pulled out my phone after paragraph 3
I'd just ask him who the hell Gretsky is. When he doesn't sever ties with you for not knowing who Gretsky is, call him a liar and say you're uncomfortable working with someone who doesn't keep their word.
"Call me The Shepherd, Charlie. In between running half marathons, tending to my flock, and traveling to Ethiopia, I like to make sports analogies, Charlie. Charlie, I'm like the Mia Hamm of cold emails. Don't know who that is, Charlie? Then you must still be wet behind the fucking ears, Mr. The Wolf."
is this a quote??? what is this lol
Genius is what it is
Lol this is just me repeating his shit back to him using his own way of speaking
What the actual fuck was that
An 8 ball and a long night of writing email sequences
Bro 😩😂 Fucking exactly man 💀
Like I can picture it now
Damn just at first glance this thing is a novel! Straight to the spam folder.
Ironically that's where I found it. I was just clearing that shit out.
Makes sense
You stole my rap name by the way, E$, mixtape is fire
Can't steal it if I had it first 😎
How do you know you had it first? Im gonna call you E-Cents since you're E-Money's little brother...
Oof, can't believe someone named "telehealth" is trying to roast me right now...
Mr. Duckworth is shaking in his fashionable boots
wut
I think I can explain. This guy went to school to be a copywriter but everyone found him so insufferable that he had to work in a different field. Now he types up insane emails like this and thinks it's charming.
Ok this helps thank you 🍺
What is happening?
I sent you that email in confidence
Imagine having having so little self awareness that you write THAT email and include lines accusing prospects who ignore you of being overconfident or having too much ego.
Also, when I read it I picture overconfident, "healthy" Morty.
Also, when I read it I picture overconfident, "healthy" Morty.
Oh god that’s definitely who he is. The fact that that’s almost my name really puts the nail in the coffin.
Your name is almost The Wolf?????
I meant it's almost Stacey, but happy to steal his "nickname" from him
Ouch. And using Gretzky...sacrilege.
That's rough. But then to pretend that no one else knows Gretzky? I'm nearly 30, bitch. Post on your awful TikTok about how "no one" knows who Gretzky or the Gorillaz are anymore...
On a scale of 1 to cringe…
... you're just as turned on as I am?
what in the fkn fck
I'm not sure what's worse - that he asked me to call him The Wolf, that he can't go one conversation without mentioning the Ironman, or that he thinks that he's a good writer.
no words....
...and no business.
...and no business.
No reply either! I wouldn't know where to begin except sharing this thread.
I'd actually accept a MTG with him so I could give him shit about this email. Like get 15 people you know on the call, pump them up as big execs then absolutely roast him on the call with questions he could nevwr see coming. I mean we all got to hustle but it's this shit that tarnishes sales in general.
hahahah
...you might have sufficient meets in your cal..." That's adorbs.
"How can I say a normal sentence in a way that doesn't sound human?"
ewwwwwwwww
I threw up in my mouth..
Please tell me you responded
Please tell me you responded
What can you say when faced with such a masterpiece?
It all stacks up
Out of all of the things, #mindset??
Bro why did you have to blow me up like that.
Joking btw. I would never send this email. I ain't no bitch.
I'm trying - God knows I'm trying
Just for you -
Who’s this stranger saying he’s got my back. Do I know him?
No, you don’t, but wait, I’m just about to introduce myself in a sec.
I’m the guy they go see when there’s not enough sales meetings in their calendars. Call me The Wolf. My real name is Charles though, and I’m CEO and Account Exec (Closer)@TopLeads.
I’m here to be your friend, so let’s drop your guard here. I’m here to fill these empty slots in your calendar with quality humans interested in buying your stuff, *****.
Now all of this is beautiful until it’s not, *****. Most of my emails don’t get past the “important” filter in your mind. I mean you might have sufficient meets in your cal right now, *****. Heck, you might even be overwhelmed and have wayyyy too much friggin work. Yet, for how long, *****?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned doing Ironmans and Temazcals (Mexican sauna), it’s that every-time I’m too confident, I fall on my face. Yeah, I’m talking about that ego all of us Sales Peeps have. It’s good until it’s too good, and then it’s not.
These dry periods are rough as hell. It’s the worst feeling in the world, IMO, as an AM. Let’s not wait til it happens, let’s invest and plant seed before it’s too late.
We’re still in the “good times” *****, and if you slightly identified yourself in one of these oh-so-convincing lines up there, then I believe it’d be in both of our best interests to book a meet.
You have that calendar link, I know it, I mean that’s what you do daily. I want you to reserve me a time there, in a week or two.
I’m patient, I’m a pretty nice guy too, and I wanna work with you. I wanna be your wingman. You’ll be Gretzky. I’ll pass it to you. You can score. If you don’t know who Gretzky is we can’t work together though. He’s a hockey legend and canadian or not *****, I expect your all-of-famers-knowledge-game to be on point.
After all, aren’t we Top Athletes ourselves, in the game of sales?
Who’s this stranger saying he’s got my back. Do I know him?
No, you don’t, but wait, I’m just about to introduce myself in a sec.
I’m the guy they go see when there’s not enough sales meetings in their calendars. Call me The Wolf. My real name is Charles though, and I’m CEO and Account Exec (Closer)@TopLeads.
I’m here to be your friend, so let’s drop your guard here. I’m here to fill these empty slots in your calendar with quality humans interested in buying your stuff, *****.
Now all of this is beautiful until it’s not, *****. Most of my emails don’t get past the “important” filter in your mind. I mean you might have sufficient meets in your cal right now, *****. Heck, you might even be overwhelmed and have wayyyy too much friggin work. Yet, for how long, *****?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned doing Ironmans and Temazcals (Mexican sauna), it’s that every-time I’m too confident, I fall on my face. Yeah, I’m talking about that ego all of us Sales Peeps have. It’s good until it’s too good, and then it’s not.
These dry periods are rough as hell. It’s the worst feeling in the world, IMO, as an AM. Let’s not wait til it happens, let’s invest and plant seed before it’s too late.
We’re still in the “good times” *****, and if you slightly identified yourself in one of these oh-so-convincing lines up there, then I believe it’d be in both of our best interests to book a meet.
You have that calendar link, I know it, I mean that’s what you do daily. I want you to reserve me a time there, in a week or two.
I’m patient, I’m a pretty nice guy too, and I wanna work with you. I wanna be your wingman. You’ll be Gretzky. I’ll pass it to you. You can score. If you don’t know who Gretzky is we can’t work together though. He’s a hockey legend and canadian or not *****, I expect your all-of-famers-knowledge-game to be on point.
After all, aren’t we Top Athletes ourselves, in the game of sales?
This is the most beautiful thing someone has done for me <3
wish I could upvote 10 times more
this email is fking hillarious
Why do lead gen companies always have the worst prospecting strategies?
I've never seen someone talk about themselves this much in a cold email before. This is painful.
My teammate said "the personalization tokens you're seeing in your email template are supposed to be about the PROSPECT not yourself."
i litterlly just saw how long it was.....and that was enough to know its terrible 😂
wtf
Painful!
Would lose me in the first sentence and go directly to trash.
You know he was thinking "I've got your back, {CLIENT}" was such an intriguing email title.
Yeah I didn't read the title dude. I was wondering who wrote me a novel.
Yeah I didn't read the title dude. I was wondering who wrote me a novel.
You just know he wandered around the office sharing his amazing secret weapon outreach template with all the other SDRs in the pit
A million percent. This dude polished off the email and before a poor potential customer had to read it, he forwarded it to his Sales team. "This is what excellence looks like, fam."
Schumana Humana… what?
Let me translate. "I have small dick energy and that will attract customers to us."
115 comments