Rate this Cold Email

I received the following cold email, not sure where it came from, but figured I would throw it out to the masses and see what your thoughts are.


"Hey there, XXXXXX


YYYYYYY reaching out from ZZZZZZZZZ. We understand trying to keep up with technology can be a hassle, this is where we can help. Assisting with ERP strategy, assessment, evaluation, implementation, and even recovery, we strive to help ensure that the business is running at maximum efficiency.


If you currently have a modern software solution in place but are concerned that you may not be using it to its full potential, we can also provide a current system(s) use analysis and help you improve operations, speed up production, lower expenses, & more.


We bring Manufacturing experience across mid, to large-scale operations, hence why l am reaching out to you.


If this is an area of focus you have maybe been looking to improve, l would definitely love to schedule a time to connect and see how we can potentially help keep things moving forward. What is your availability looking like for this week or next?"


Have at it.


๐Ÿ’Œ Cold Emailing
15
oldcloser
Arsonist
12
๐Ÿ’€
No possible way Iโ€™d get through that. So way too many excessive extra and words much lots shit.
CadenceCombat
Tycoon
7
Account Executive
I just needed to see how long it was without reading it to know its bad. Way too long.
medhardwaredr
Opinionated
6
Director of Sales NA
First off, I luv that you posted this so take my commish. Sharing real life stuff is something I truly value from this community and when you add in @oldcloser โ€˜s witty, no holds barred and insightful comments this place is golden!
Cool, thatโ€™s outta the way. So as someone who has asked for guidance on cold emails for my new team and has implemented some of the feedback from this community on them hereโ€™s whatโ€™s gotten responses and hereโ€™s what hasnโ€™t:
1) This email is waaaay too long, with that length comes boredom and an auto delete/donโ€™t read.
2) Message is decent but again long so find your key points and add your brief touch to personalize (think โ€œif I was talking at a bar with someone talking about this would they drift off or engageโ€?)
3) What HAS worked is quick insightful emails telling them you can A) save them money B) take a work load off their plate with a simple 5 min call. Whether the call turns out to be 5 mins or longer isnโ€™t the point, the point is throw out 5 mins and go from there. People have 5 minutes if you can save them time or cash, what they donโ€™t have is time to respond to long emails nor do they have time for a formal 15-30 min disco call.
4) SUBJECT line! Make it short, sweet and to the point.
โ€œJohn, ERP is spendy see what xyz did belowโ€ make it yours.
Hope this helps good luck!
Pachacuti
Politicker
5
They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy
I'm not a fan of cold emails as a general rule. That said, this one is about a 2/5.
First off - too long.
2nd - other than seeing ERP in the first paragraph there's no reason to read more unless I'm very actively searching for a new ERP.
3rd - you don't validate yourself. Who are you? Why should I care? Who else have you done work for? What are the results.

At best, you get filed under "future consideration when we need an ERP". But more than likely you get deleted instantly, assuming you made it through the spam filter.
5
Founding BDR
Iโ€™m a BDR a thereโ€™s ZERO chance Iโ€™m reading through all of this. Negative percent chance a person at the decision maker level will
Sunbunny31
Politicker
3
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Not great for all the reasons already stated.
Out of curiosity, are you in a position to decide on ERP systems at your company? Or is everything about this just off?
HVACexpert
Politicker
1
sales engineer
lol no I work for a small family owned company and have no management responsibility, no ERP needs.
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
That is the first mistake. Seriously. Assuming on LI and ZoomInfo youโ€™re listed as โ€œsales engineerโ€, not one bit of that title tells me you have anything to do with an ERP system.
braintank
Politicker
2
Enterprise Account Executive
Long and boring
Kosta_Konfucius
Politicker
2
Sales Rep
This email can go to everyone, so I assume it was send to everyone just changed the first name and companyโ€™s name
Gasty
Notable Contributor
1
War Room Community Manager
Essays in cold emails; not my thing.
coletrain
Politicker
1
Account Executive
Before anything, appreciate you posting this for review for yourself and it will help others.

For the actual review, my philosophy for cold emails tends to focus on VP focused questions and using others in the industry as a "social buy-in". In your case, I would say something similar to:

"Typically at mid-large size orgs, we hear about struggles with keeping up with the latest and greatest tech or using said tech to its fullest potential. Is that something that resonates with you? If so, would greatly appreciate connecting and showing how we help peers like AAAAAA, BBBBBB, and CCCCCC and maybe able to help you too."
I work to keep my emails succinct so that prospects can read it all without scrolling on their phone.
BigShrimpin
Catalyst
1
Account executive
my litmus test for an email is can i finish most of it before i start skimming this one got me to halfway through the first paragraph, 0 problem focused language too much pitch vomit way too soft language
pirate
Big Shot
1
๐Ÿฆœโ˜ ๏ธ Account Executive
It is like a generic ERP blurb. What makes you different in 3 lines would be a lot better
thesecretsauce
Politicker
1
Business Development
Toooo many big words
SportsSalesGuy
Tycoon
0
Enterprise Account Executive
HVACexpert
Politicker
0
sales engineer
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