Mr.Pickles

Sr. Customer Success Manager

Rate this cold email (first touch)

Hello Savages - Currently one of my ninjas (a team member I left behind) is applying for a new job. Part of the assessment includes a cold email. It'd be great to have your feedback, maybe email rates from 1/10, and tentative kick-ass subject lines.

I don't have much context on it but the company is a BPO that offers qualified leads.

--------------

Hi [Name] - it's no secret that scaling any business from startup to enterprise highly depends on leads that convert into SQLs. How are you ensuring your team is reaching [Company's] ICP when they are ready to buy?

This past quarter, we helped one client in Australia achieve a total of 72.4% open rate with our personalized strategy. After all, there is a reason you’ve read this far, right?

We might not be able to replicate the same results, but if we could help increase your open rate to reach and recruit more people faster, would it make sense to have a conversation, [Name]?

Either way, best of success with your ongoing projects.

Talk soon

--------------

Your input is much appreciated - thanks.

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73 comments

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poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

27

☕️

Hi [Name],

The hardest part of building a pipeline is gaining the attention of new leads. Sound familiar?

We help companies like [Company Name] achieve a cold email open rate of 72.4%, resulting in larger pipelines and more closed business.

When can we set up a call to determine if we might be able to help you do the same?

Thanks,
PBC

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

19

☕️

Alternative

Hi [Name],

Having trouble getting prospects to open your cold emails?

You opened this one, maybe we can help your prospects open yours.

PBC

VincentAdultman

Opinionated

9

Enterprise Account Executive

Alternative

[Name] - Trouble with open rates on email? Call me.

VA

ValliantInvestors

Good Citizen

1

Founder

This is good, but I'd add a quick 3rd party validation.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

4

Sr. Customer Success Manager

this one is more "challenging" but still 10/10

VincentAdultman

Opinionated

3

Enterprise Account Executive

Edited for @ValliantInvestors

[Name] - Trouble with open rates on email? Call me. Steve did.

VA

PkThunder

2

Head of Sales

This is the best one by far for a first touch. Clever and hilarious.

ValliantInvestors

Good Citizen

2

Founder

Ha! well... at least they'll wonder who Steve is!

The_Sales_Badger

Notorious Answer

2

Account Executive

@poweredbycaffeine this is terrific.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

7

Sr. Customer Success Manager

this one by far is my favorite - thank you.

funcoupons

WR Officer

17

👑

I was bored as soon as I was halfway through the first sentence.

Sounds copy and pasted, dull, salesy, and too damn long.

paddy

WR Officer

9

Director of Business Development

I might be a bit harsh but I'd scrap the entire thing and just ask for a meeting

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

Thank you for the advice

MCP

Valued Contributor

9

Sales Director

TLDR it. Ain’t nobody got time for dat.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

2

Sr. Customer Success Manager

noted

Mjollnir

Politicker

1

Account Executive

lololol

UrAssIsSaaS

Arsonist

8

SaaS Eater

Dont love it, its very general, has a weak call to action, too much soft language

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

Makes sense - I think is very gentle ...

TheKing

Good Citizen

8

CEO

How about: "Open this email, or Fred gets it"?

CuriousFox

WR Officer

3

🦊

Damn.

TheKing

Good Citizen

2

CEO

I know...right. I was originally going to use a gun to the head of a a dog with the caption "open this email, or the dog gets it", but thought the Fred thing was friendlier

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

poor fred xD

The_Sales_Badger

Notorious Answer

1

Account Executive

Dark, but I laughed.... so what does that say about me?

TheKing

Good Citizen

1

CEO

It says you have an above average intelligence, and can appreciate humor on any level. Kudos. Also, it WILL get that email opened.

mitts2

Politicker

5

Account Executive

To be honest, not a big fan. Feels pretty templated, no meaningful personalization. Most of the email talks about you/your company and not the person or company you are reaching out to. "We might not be able to replicate..." kills credibility. People are looking for proven solutions, not ones that "might not work". Call to action should be stronger and more straight to the point for the meeting and should be the last sentence before you sign off.

Ask yourself, "why should this person care? Why should they care now?" ad try again.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

2

Sr. Customer Success Manager

thank you for the great insight.

SkunkBum

Good Citizen

5

Director, Sales

Too many questions. Keep it to one.
If it's cold, ask for interest, not the meeting.
Also, the subject is missing here, but is an important piece.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

definitely - that was also the purpose of this thread; a nice subject line suggestion

Mjollnir

Politicker

5

Account Executive

I have ADHD I lost you pretty quick bud.
make it shorter. concise.
a few pointers, 5 lines tops.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

awesome ty

Kinonez

Celebrated Contributor

4

War Room Enthusiast

Love it. Short; to the point. Third party credibility. Everything checks! Also big fan of how you detach at the end like a true boss.
Subject line: “Got leads?”

braintank

Politicker

5

Enterprise Account Executive

You call that short?

Kinonez

Celebrated Contributor

4

War Room Enthusiast

It could be shorter, but it’s still only 6 sentences. And the whole thing is visible on half of my phone.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

definitely, I see an opportunity there

LocoSales

Politicker

4

Jr. Sales Manager

No disrepect but I don't like the mail at all. Too long, too wordy, too much about you. I also don't get what the connection is between: reaching out to your ICP when they are ready to buy and the open rate example.... And stop asking for a conversation without providing any value at all.

Here is my suggestion, however, I would probably rewrite it completely if I were in your shoes.

Hi [Name],
noticed that "COMPANY" has grown quite a bit - congrats!

Scaling a startup to an enterprise highly depends on converting leads into SQLs. How do you ensure that your team is reaching your ICP when they are ready to buy?

Best regards,
XYZ

=> Easy conversation starter

OR

Hi [Name],
noticed that "COMPANY" has grown quite a bit - congrats!

Scaling a startup to an enterprise highly depends on converting leads into SQLs. How do you ensure that your team is reaching your ICP when they are ready to buy?

A client of us achieved a 72.4% open rate with our help, would love to show you how.

Talk soon,
XYZ

=> A little bit more direct but still subtle

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

zero disrespect! that's the whole purpose of this email - to take it from zero to hero. Thank you for taking the time to make way better examples.

RaymundoFlex

Opinionated

4

AE

just leroy jenkins a docusign

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

4

Sr. Customer Success Manager

*engages with not ragrets*

AlecBaldwinsHairline

Valued Contributor

4

Head of Sales Development

How many cold emails actually lead to a meeting?

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

I use to work for SaaS Partnerships and that brought 34% of the apt share

braintank

Politicker

3

Enterprise Account Executive

Start a free trial of lavender. The best email scoring tool I've ever used.

First blush is to remove all the hedging and prepositional phrases.

braintank

Politicker

12

Enterprise Account Executive

I go for extreme brevity ... here's my take:

[Name],

How are you ensuring your team is reaching [Company's] ICP when they are ready to buy?

We helped [Reference] achieve a 72.4% open rate with our personalized strategy.

Is your team looking at ways to improve SQL conversion right now?

Sunbunny31

Politicker

5

Sr Sales Executive 🐰

^^^ this one.

ValliantInvestors

Good Citizen

3

Founder

Bam! this one works... (mic drop and walk)

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

2

Sr. Customer Success Manager

lovely!!! thank you

SaaSniper

Tycoon

2

Enterprise Account Executive

^^^Short & sweet get's it done.

IMO the ONLY thing that matters in a cold email is having a brief, relevant message (subj line & body).

If they can read it quickly without having to scroll (preferably on mobile), you've got the right length. This email above hit's OP's core value prop, without ANY fluff.

Solid @braintank

aiko

Politicker

3

Sr. Account Executive

You should call out the name of the company you referenced

braintank

Politicker

5

Enterprise Account Executive

And unless you're selling to another Australian company, I'd drop that. Not sure why it's relevant.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

5

Sr. Customer Success Manager

neat - ty

Woody

Politicker

3

Business Development Executive

Yeah nah, lost me at "It's no secret."

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

4

Sr. Customer Success Manager

haha gotcha

Piccolo

3

BDR

[Name] - Scaling a business requires leads that convert into SQLs. How are you ensuring your team is reaching [Company's] ICP when they are ready to buy?

[Customer] is using a different idea to get a 72.4% open rate. With [Company], you worry less about pipeline deficits or not being able to find people.

Would you be open to reviewing what your options are to potentially increase your open rate and prevent your revenue artery from clogging?

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

very nice - thank you

The_Sales_Badger

Notorious Answer

3

Account Executive

@Jackywaky - I write email copy... a lot of it. The first rule: make it so they don't have to scroll on their mobile phone when they open it.

@poweredbycaffeine 2nd example (first was good too) caught my attention immediately. Direct, humorous, and the call to action is spot-on.

Try a few of these, and keep track of your success rate. Don't reinvent the wheel, if you find a few that work - run with them all the way to the bank.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

awesome ! thank you

FormallyUneducated

Opinionated

3

Account Executive

The structure (problem, solution, CTA) is fine other than the fact that it’s a tad long.
The main issue is that if your product helps with personalization in cold outreach, you aren’t showing it here. That first sentence is valuable space from the inbox view, so that’s where you’ll want to show them you know them.
I’d swap that first sentence for something you found in your research and simplify/shorten your CTA. Happy hunting!

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

Great! thank you!

LordBusiness

Politicker

3

Chief Revenue Officer

I don’t see any mention of the subject line in the examples, which is legit the MOST important part of any email (if not opened, then the body text is rendered useless).
Beyond that, if anyone asked me to send them an email example, I’d ask them “Who am I emailing?” Id then hit up the LI of that person, pull a nugget from the profile and creatively reference it to open the email,
Example, let’s say the person your emailing went to Purdue.
Subject line - tripleX diner!!
Body
Prospect,
I noticed you went to Purdue, I had a cousin who went there and everyone I visited we hit up triplex late night, loved that place!
Now that we’ve got late night college deliciousness out of the way, I work with x companies in solving for z challenge, and given your company looks similar I’m confident we can provide value.
Open to a 30 min call this week to discuss??

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

2

Sr. Customer Success Manager

SWEET! Ty

Whupswhups

Politicker

3

Business Development Representative

My advice would be to not join a company that sells "qualified leads"

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

I don't see why not xD

primesales

Valued Contributor

3

Outbound Sales

Funnily enough - I've gone through maybe 80% of the comments and examples here - and all of them, I feel, would thrown out the window when used in a B2B Dev Tools selling environment - and our company has tried just the exact email formats (almost the same as well!) while A/B Testing - they didn't have any improvements on the emails reps were already using - and in most cases had negative indications (low reply rates/opt outs etc) - and we all came to a conclusion that such emails upfront tell you that you're trying to sell something. Which is a big big red sign to our ICPs (Engineering Managers, Directors etc)

My two cents - Love the email. I would agree with whoever said don't boast results too much (which it does here), but fantastic email. I'd reply.

Maybe, because I'm thinking this is an actual person who's written to me - that's because it matched with the tone you had above the email (the para above the lines)

I think, Be yourself + be coherent + lead with value + "Interest-based CTA" + Be brutal in understand your ICPs and what they value + and minimal personalisation (that's super relvant and can open your eyes even when mentioned briefly) will do the trick.

it did for me in B2B Dev Tool selling environment.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

wow thank you so much for your time

Malber

Politicker

3

Account Executive

I think the content is ace. You've the benefit - a social proof - a soft ask all in line.

All I'd do is cut it down.

Name,
How are you ensuring your team is reaching [Company's] ICP when they are ready to buy? We helped ___ achieve ____.

Would it make sense to discuss how ____ helps you achieve ____?

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

3

Sr. Customer Success Manager

love that sharp summary :D

Diablo

Politicker

2

Sr. AE

Cut it short in the first email, looks like a junk. Keep it short, may be add some resource links etc. Add CTA.

I refrain from telling what I we have done unless I know if that's their goal/s too.

Mr.Pickles

Arsonist

4

Sr. Customer Success Manager

that's absolutely right! I'd stick to remove some parts there

PleaseAdvise

Executive

2

Account Executive

First sentence is a bit too salesy.
I’d replace that with the research you’ve done into their company/what you know about them/your hypothesis based on the legwork you’ve done.
It’s hard w/o the context you need and don’t have - but throw something in there to get the idea across.

detectivegibbles

Politicker

1

Sales Director

Looks like it's about 70/30 on "Too Long/Templatey" vs. "I like it" so far.

My input...it's too long.

@poweredbycaffeine I think has the best format and what I use most frequently in healthcare.

I personally like giving the person I am emailing a sense of validation and assuming they are the decision maker, even if they aren't.

Another area (3rd sentence below) that I probably differ than the absolute goats in here is that I like non-committal asks. I just think it's more personal and the customers I like working with respond well to it.

"(Name),

Referred your way regarding decisions on lead generation, and most importantly, conversion.

We help companies like (ABC), who just hit a 72.4% cold email open rate, which led to X% more closed deals.

I think we could be a good fit, but it's probably best to determine together on a quick call. Does a time this week work best? Or should we reconnect in two weeks and set up a time then?

Talk soon,
DetectiveGibbles

MaximumRaizer

Politicker

1

Sales Manager

I was bored as soon as I was halfway through the first sentence.

Blackwargreymon

Politicker

1

MDR

Sounds copy and pasted, dull, salesy, and too damn long.

Clashingsoulsspell

Politicker

1

ISR

The hardest part of building a pipeline is gaining the attention of new leads. Sound familiar?

MR.StretchISR

Politicker

-1

ISR

I was bored as soon as I was halfway through the first sentence.

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