paddy

Director of Business Development

Notorious Answer

Rolling master list of people who should be tortured/killed (week 1)

Sorry for a second post this morning, but I had another genius idea that was inspired by my most recent thread. I'm a big fan of cruel and unusual punishment for anyone who irks me in the slightest, so I'm going to be unveiling a rolling weekly list. It's very simple: it's just a list of people who should be killed and/or tortured. This will require some engagement on everyone's part, and for the sake of relevancy, try to keep it somewhat related to the workplace or any business operation in general. Each week, I'll take the top 2 most upvoted comments and add to the list. This is week 1, so comment your suggestions and next Tuesday, I'll add to the master list.

So far we have:

-office fish re-heaters

-extended auto warranty call center operators

-people who ask what your favorite CRM is

😂 Sales Humor

🏰 War Stories

49

114 comments

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UserNotFound

Politicker

16

Account Executive

anyone who replies all to a company wide email

paddy

WR Officer

3

Director of Business Development

I CONCUR

CuriousFox

WR Officer

1

🦊

Oh man. How did I not think of this?!

funcoupons

WR Officer

15

👑

People that don't put Kahlua in their Cheerios. U sicken me

CoorsKing

WR Officer

6

Retired King of the Coors Knights

I don’t know how some people make it through the day…Kahlua and Cinnamon Toast Crunch is legitimately the breakfast of champions. You have my vote.

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

Ok I'm usually a Golden Grahams girl but that sounds fucking delicious...brb buying Cinnamon Toast Crunch (u already know I have that Kahlua on deck.)

Beercules

Politicker

1

SDR

How do we feel that reece-puffs would go with Kahlua?Too much chocolate?

justatopproducer

Politicker

3

VP OF SALES -US

Just curious, have you tried a bushwacker? They have kahulua in them along with many other liquors, frozen and STRONG. If not try them, but be careful.

funcoupons

WR Officer

6

👑

That was a risky Google search on my work computer lol.

Sounds tasty af, I want one now. I will not be careful, I ain't a little bitch.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

1

🦊

Gives me Flora-Bama flashbacks. With the topper.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

2

🦊

Dude. They are LETHAL. And worth it.

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

I know what I'm drinking next time I'm poolside

justatopproducer

Politicker

1

VP OF SALES -US

Sorry, I should have listed another warning.

SmallySmalls

Opinionated

15

Caffeine Queen

This is amazing. People who've proudly "never taken a day off". You're working for something dude

Beercules

Politicker

1

SDR

These people obviously have nothing better to do - and then hide behind their "devotion to the job"

Ryase1113

Opinionated

14

Regional Director

A CEO who cut his salary and incessantly posts about his good deeds that are fronts for tax evasion, wife beating and lawsuits by his brother... wait sorry, too specific?

yer_blues

Opinionated

2

Sales Director

^^^ this. dude is such a tool

SmallySmalls

Opinionated

1

Caffeine Queen

At first I saw the posts and thought, "damn, good dude. Cool to write about this so openly." ...Now, ~2 years later, ENOUGH it's the same post over and over again and it's all just complaining and bashing. Propose a solution at least, don't just shit on everyone. YEESH

Beans

Big Shot

0

Enterprise Account Executive

Tell me more about the wife beating....

Ryase1113

Opinionated

1

Regional Director

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/269831

IsNowAGoodTime

Good Citizen

0

Account Manager III

uh wat!?

CoorsKing

WR Officer

11

Retired King of the Coors Knights

People that take/run calls while going to the bathroom. Idk if we can skip the torture and just go straight to the “acid barrel in the bay” option, but that’s my vote. Or Paddy gets 1 hour with a rusty spoon

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

Reminds me of an office I worked in where women would sit in the bathroom stalls and have full on conversations with whoever...sitting on the toilet taking a crap while telling your boo what you want for dinner tonight - romance goals for sure. Sickos.

There was also a broad who would SING on the toilet...I loved getting her rendition of a Beyonce song while I was sitting there peeing and contemplating the life choices that led me to that hellish office.

Sgt_Trollingham

Valued Contributor

1

Business Development Director

extra points if you can't hold your stream...

Incognito

WR Officer

9

Master of Disaster

People who fake getting a client call to hang up on you. "ahhh! I gotta take this! I'll get back to you!"

Sure, ken, I have all fucking week to wait for your answer. Makes my prospects and clients so happy. Just grow a pair and tell me you were too busy drinking on the golf course to do your fucking job. At least I could respect that.

UserNotFound

Politicker

2

Account Executive

My boss does this all the time... drives me fucking nuts.

bassinshaps

Politicker

0

Territory Sales Manager

Haha I do this to personal calls that I’m over with

Incognito

WR Officer

1

Master of Disaster

Evil.

UserNotFound

Politicker

0

Account Executive

yooooou rat bastard.

Tres

Politicker

7

Account Executive

Can I add Stephen A Smith to the list? Please and thanks.

CoorsKing

WR Officer

2

Retired King of the Coors Knights

This is acceptable. Carry on.

CaneWolf

Politicker

1

Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract

And Skip while we're at it. I hope they both die painfully.

Sgt_Trollingham

Valued Contributor

1

Business Development Director

Ok, I hate Stephen A Smith on First Take, but catch him on the BS Pod, and he's actually fairly good IMO and doesn't do the usual shtick.

funcoupons

WR Officer

6

👑

Close talkers, especially when they don't brush their teeth or shower.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

2

🦊

I was standing in line yesterday at the grocery store. The lady behind me was so close I could feel her breathing on the back of my neck.

Lady. Could you not?

CaneWolf

Politicker

3

Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract

Didn't we learn that personal space is amazing with the Rona.

Beercules

Politicker

1

SDR

For me it's the ones that continue to move towards you while close-talking as you slowly inch backwards. Get the point and stop breathing on me

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

I feel this so hard. I have to fight the urge to yell GET BACK MOTHERFUCKER YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT Ludacris style.

Beercules

Politicker

1

SDR

Just have it queued on your phone once social distancing measures wear off - Also I had a parent of a really good friend that was like that and I could never say anything. Wonderful person but definitely did not understand personal space.

funcoupons

WR Officer

5

👑

Wanna grind coupon's gears to the max? Here you go. Not work related but this is my all time biggest pet peeve and I will literally not talk to you if you do this:

Assholes that blast music from a speaker/their phone in public. Especially on hikes/in parks.

What in the fuck is wrong with these people? What makes someone wake up and decide "the people around me who just drove two hours out of the city for peace and quiet DEFINITELY want to hear xxxtenacion/Lil Whoever/Justin Beiber (it's always some garbage) from the shittiest speaker I could find for $20 for the next three hours!"

Some asshole was doing this in the park the other day - riding his bike blaring dirty rap music with multiple little kids around...I wanted to punt him into the river. Went to a cabin a few years ago and some couple near us blasted country music all weekend long. Morning by the lake? Country music. Dinner time? Country music. Late at night? Definitely need some country music. They barely talked to each other, just kept blasting it over and over...thought I was going to go away for murder that weekend.

I hate them so much.

paddy

WR Officer

2

Director of Business Development

GO OFF QUEEN

funcoupons

WR Officer

3

👑

https://tenor.com/uIdz.gif

One day I'm going to call u from jail because I lost it on one of these bastards, have bail $ ready.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

1

🦊

Country music makes my ears bleed as it is.

funcoupons

WR Officer

1

👑

I can listen to two country songs, and only if I'm at least five drinks deep:

Take Me Home, Country Roads (Never been to West Virginia but I'll be damned if I don't sing like I miss it every day when this shit comes on.)

and

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy (Drunk coups loves dancing to this mess.)

I also don't mind Johnny Cash...Ring of Fire gives me slight PTSD tho. I attended a music festival where one camp brought a trumpet and played the intro to this song about 50 times a day for five days straight...hungover as fuck? Here's some trumpet. Deal with it.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

1

🦊

I'm a fan of the older stuff. But I gave up after the 90's.

funcoupons

WR Officer

1

👑

That's fair. Most of it sounds the same. For some reason, most Canadians LOVE country. I don't like country and I don't like hockey, I get looked at like a pariah when I mention either of these things.

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

- Colleagues that whistle in the office

- Prospects who ghost

- People that don't put Kahlua in their Cheerios

paddy

WR Officer

3

Director of Business Development

I love all of the above sweetheart but separate the comments so we can vote individually :)

funcoupons

WR Officer

3

👑

sry I didn't have my coffee this morning DON'T TALK TO ME

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

I start every day with a Kahlua IV.

CaneWolf

Politicker

3

Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract

Colleagues that SING in the office. Their fates should be decided by war tribunals.

Sgt_Trollingham

Valued Contributor

1

Business Development Director

People who whistle

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

Colleagues that whistle in the office. Everyone fucking hates you.

Beercules

Politicker

2

SDR

Looks like I should stay home even once they call us back into the office then. Thanks for the warning

funcoupons

WR Officer

1

👑

u are dead 2 me

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

Prospects who ghost. The worst. Enough said.

Sheriff

Politicker

4

Sales Trainer

People who have no experience with your role, telling you how to do your job. EG Marketers telling people who to sell. Apply bullet ants to the forehead immediately

funcoupons

WR Officer

4

👑

Sales ops...might as well be renamed "The Deal Killing Squad."

AnchorPoint

Politicker

4

Business Coach

Slow drivers in far left lane ....

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

Ancient ass old people that drive 20 in a 110 zone on the freeway

Beercules

Politicker

1

SDR

They deserve to be run off the road - them and people who pass in the left lane but only go slightly faster than the car that they are passing

CharmingSalesGal

Politicker

3

Account Executive

People who still have not gotten down that you unmute before you start talking on Zoom calls.

CoorsKing

WR Officer

3

Retired King of the Coors Knights

See I will counter this with: I actually use that occasionally as a distraction to the fact I was not paying attention and am panicking trying to figure out what just got asked lol

CharmingSalesGal

Politicker

1

Account Executive

HAHAHA that is genius! I can't get behind tho that the people I see still doing this are using that tactic........

eds

Opinionated

3

Salesy

I'm so happy I don't have to deal with this now that we WFH, but let's add the coworkers that tap their leg all day and make the tables rock to their anxiety beat. Been very close to stabbing people for this.

CuriousFox

WR Officer

3

🦊

Managers that ask you to resend the important email they promised to take care of a few days before. 🙄

CaneWolf

Politicker

3

Call me what you want, just sign the damn contract

People who haven't sold that try to tell you:

1) How to do your job. Really? You know better than me?
2) You really need to build more pipeline. Yes, thank you person with your Salesforce reports. We know that. Our quotas are insane. Fuck you.

CharmingSalesGal

Politicker

2

Account Executive

People who ask if you can see their screen after sharing.

Sgt_Trollingham

Valued Contributor

2

Business Development Director

Ok, Devil's Advocate... I've literally done 10 minutes of a demo and finally my colleague who was sitting in said: "I don't know if it's just me, but I can't see your screen"

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

Lol at the prospect not saying anything

CharmingSalesGal

Politicker

0

Account Executive

We've all done it a couple of times but I haven't come across a screen sharing app that doesn't highlight the screen when it's being shared.........

RedLightning

Politicker

2

Mid-Market AE

@paddy I don't know what your numbers are. But based on the pure amount of anger and crustyness that you exude, I can tell you're an effective closer and absolute savage.

paddy

WR Officer

2

Director of Business Development

I kind of just fake it till I make it. But yes I am a savage indeed, thank you.

HappyGilmore

Politicker

2

Account Executive

People who slack/DM you something or a question online that takes 10 minutes to get answered via slack, rather than calling you to get the question answered in 30 seconds.

Kinonez

Celebrated Contributor

2

War Room Enthusiast

People who don't flush!

Kinonez

Celebrated Contributor

2

War Room Enthusiast

Everyone who puts fish in the office microwave

AlphaCharlie

Arsonist

2

Account executive

Interns who cry!

CharmingSalesGal

Politicker

1

Account Executive

People who constantly copy you and try to claim your ideas as their own.

HappyGilmore

Politicker

1

Account Executive

People in marketing.

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

And salesops

HappyGilmore

Politicker

1

Account Executive

The two departments that cause me the most pain and misery day in day out.

youKNOW

Politicker

1

Sales Manager

Management that says that their "pay doesn't scale the same way as sales does..."

TheLaughingWolf

WR Officer

1

Business Development Manager

Is lifelong politicians acceptable?

LordOfWar

Tycoon

1

Blow it up

- People who wait until they are at the counter to look at the menu.
- People who drive under the speed limit in the left lane.
- People who change contract terms and send it as "ready to sign" without the decency to tell you they made significant changes.
- Neighbours who have nice backyard yet spend all night partying on their porch.
- People who book 8am meetings then cut them short because "something came up last minute"
- Pre/Post-COVID special: Non-prospects who hang around your booth at trade shows blocking views and potential customers from interacting with you.

funcoupons

WR Officer

2

👑

The first one makes my blood boil.

Bitch, we're at McDonald's. The menu hasn't changed in 50 years. How in the HELL do you need to stand there for ten minutes deciding what you want?

LordOfWar

Tycoon

1

Blow it up

"yeah Imma get a......a..... y'all have pasta?"

funcoupons

WR Officer

1

👑

Can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese... No patty. Can I sub meatballs for the buns and pasta for the lettuce? Gluten free, plz

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