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Why Gold is King

Since the dawn of time, man has been fascinated with gold. Whether it be Hernan Cortes and Francisco Pizarro and their simultaneous searches for the lost city of “El Dorado”, or the Egyptian Pharaohs initial discovery of the precious metal, a moment so great that they named the lands “Nubia” which is the Ancient Egyptian word for gold, gold has been at the forefront of humankind’s collective consciousness.


As we move forward to modern times, wars have been fought, expeditions launched, and many a bloodlust has been spawned over this seemingly innocuous, shiny, and malleable metal.


Gold now pervades our lives, and is seen as a true symbol of wealth, elegance, and taste(which I will get to shortly). From the phones we carry to the jewelry we wear and the currency we use that was once backed by it, gold stands above all else as King.


But this leads me into my topic at hand: Gold, greenhouse gas emissions, the environment, and TASTE.


In this day and age, not only do we rely on gold in our day to day lives, but even in some more… unexpected places. Dubbed “The Mjölnir of Ice Cream Tasting”, gold spoons are what allow you the purest of taste. You see, typical metals have many impurities that leave an aftertaste on everything we eat, something I'm sure many of us notice but block from our minds. In this instance, like many others, gold shines through as the guiding light in the darkness.


“But WCK, what ever does this have to do with greenhouse gas emissions and the environment?!” you might ask. Fret not, dear savage, but crack open an ice cold Coors Light and gather round as I lead you on a journey to a new world.


You see, upon researching more into gold, and gold spoons(key!) for tasting, my mind began to wander. And upon @paddy's post regarding the Gartner quadrant, brilliance struck! We all here are in sales, and many in sales tend to partake in Dominican disco dust, Peruvian party powder, Colombian chooch, the well-loved drug that is cocaine.


But! We all here are well aware of the changing world in which we live, and the emphasis on addressing Global Warming is clear! We MUST cut down on greenhouse gas emissions, we MUST save our environment, and we MUST all do our part!


Yes my friends, I see in your wide eyes that confusion is still present. “WCK, this is all true, but how does gold AND cocaine tie into this?!” Simple, my little chiquitas. Plastic straws.


The bane of every tortoise’ existence, plastic straws feature heavily in every AE’s arsenal, along with a special mirror and an AMEX black card to cut the lines. But we savages are adults of utmost taste, and straws diminish the lovely kerosene drip and pupil dilating rush from each toot, each line, each hit of that lovely white powder.


And as such, why SHOULD we use straws? Why SHOULD we ruin every single fun moment we partake in with abnormalities that lead to diminished return. We settle for nothing but the best. And the best is gold.


Gold spoons for those mid-meeting bumps. Gold straws for those client intro meetings, to showcase your elegance and to allow them to truly taste for the first time all that is good in this world, and gold paraphernalia to SAVE. OUR. PLANET.


Why settle for anything but the best?



💡 Education/Resources
🐢 Environment
14
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+12
King of the Coors Knights
Coors Knights use Platinum or Titanium. You need to 360 no scope 500 interns before it unlocks, so only the most senior of Knights have Platinum. The next best is Titanium. When we blast off to space, if we don’t have our platinum spoons, we use metal named after the Titans.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
+13
Senior Account Executive
Please tell me you have something better than Bezos's dick rocket.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
How new age and cliche. Understandable, yes, but there's a reason Gold is King.
CoorsKing
WR Officer
+12
King of the Coors Knights
Gold is an excellent choice, however we are bound by creed to favor metals that resemble our beacon of hope, the Silver Bullets. 
Show 3 more replies
funcoupons
WR Officer
+11
that's queen coups to u
Beautiful, thought provoking post. I'm fully on board. @BigMeech raises an interesting alternative with titanium and it's tough to argue his points.

However, I'm a glamorous and decadent bitch, so may I introduce you to the idea of a diamond coke straw? Diamonds are the hardest material in existence, and allover fabulous. I suggest one made with non-fair trade diamonds, as ones mined by slaves and sold by corrupt and violent leaders really do add that certain je ne sais quois...

If you're not a baller like me, you can reserve the diamond straw for Fridays and Saturdays only, but I highly suggest giving it a toot. I mean...try.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
I am actually curious to do a side by side test of this theory. Care to join me this weekend?
funcoupons
WR Officer
+11
that's queen coups to u
I guess I could slot you in between "Overthrow the Taliban" and "watch paddy shower."
Show 1 more replies
InQ5WeTrust
Arsonist
+9
Sales Savages, what is our profession? Trauma!
Tortoises don't like to choke, unlike my ex. 

Did you know that tortoise shells are magnetised? 

Well if you didn't, now you know. 

This is why I exclusively use coke spoons and straws fashioned from 100% tortoise shell, for as soon as it gets close to their little noseys the two shells repulse each other... Due to magnets of course. 

So therefore I am saving the ocean one snuffta at a time. 
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
Cutting edge, unique, bold, and controversial. I love it.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
+13
Senior Account Executive
I see you changed your title. Much better.

The King is Elvis.
Elvis wore gold.
Elvis partook.
Elvis left the building.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
Where is the lie
poweredbycaffeine
WR Officer
+9
Bean Juice Drinker | Sales Savant
A song to listen to while you read this post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajNAnr38QxM

I personally use hollowed-out elephant tusks but to each their own.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
Retro. Chic. Controversial. Daring.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
+13
Senior Account Executive
https://www.dcsilver.com/gold-jewelry/tiffany-amp-co-14k-gold-spoon-266-grams-solid-gold

So it's a real thing. Apologies for doubting your brilliance kind sir.
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
I am a man of class, my dearest Fox
GrizzleMcThornBody
Politicker
+10
EVP - RevOps
i bite off each end of a twizzler and use it as a straw
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
Pure barbarism, yet the magnetic energy put forth is so... Raw. I love this.
GrizzleMcThornBody
Politicker
+10
EVP - RevOps
add me to your splurge lists bae
Money
Valued Contributor
+6
Director of Enterprise Sales
Peter Schiff, is that you?
WCK
Notorious Answer
+13
Padre de Tequila, General of the Coors Knights
I shan't unmask myself
9
Kenny Powers or Ari Gold?
Question
7
Who you got?
+46
Broncosfan ,   SiliconBBQ ,   aiko   and 46 people voted
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2
Anyone traded in gold commodities or actual gold?
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4
14
A man who has to declare he is king, isn't really king.
Discussion
14