Worst call/meeting? I shit my pants.

Sometimes I feel rather loquacious when I'm a little hungover, such as today. I had some leftover turkey (the Wild kind) from Thanksgiving that I snacked on for Thursday Night Football, and let me tell you.. the 101 proof is no joke.


Anyway, I've been meaning to type this up for all of you gangsters and wannabe gangsters here in sales for awhile to get the conversational juices flowing. I feel like anyone who has been in this profession long enough should have some good war stories. I'm very fucking good at my job and have pretty stellar reputation in my narrow field. I don't have a resume. I haven't applied to a job in 15 years. However, the beginning of my career was a bit like watching a walrus cross a freeway. Just a fucking mess.


This post hopefully helps anyone out there who thinks they've had a tough go of it.


My first real sales job- I got hired to sell steel for a small company. I was going to do anything to get out of waiting tables, so I took the first thing that came around posing as an actual career. The position was Inside Sales, and it sucked (they paid me like $30k and made me work in the factory for awhile too), but after 6 months I had The Itch. I did fine manning the phone/emails, but I wanted to see some customers. I knew I was not an Inside dog. I wanted to run!


My boss was a hardass, but he eventually agreed to let me set up an in-person meeting with a new potential customer. He drilled into me two things: 1) "do not be fucking late" and 2) "you are the company, dress and act like it".


The day before, I laid out my suit like a fuckin 8 year old before the first day of school. I was pumped. I was going to show my boss that I was an eagle that just needed to soar. I had some chicken wings for dinner, to get some fire burning in my belly. The heat drives me.


The meeting was at 9am the next morning, but I rolled my sexy Saturn Vue into the customers parking lot at 8:30 sharp. I was going to nail this. I had my talking points, my goals, and my questions ready. I was looking fly as shit in my cheap suit, and this customer was going to be eating out of my hand in about 1 hour. I leaned over in the drivers seat to look at my hair in the rear-view mirror, and I felt a little fart bubble up. No biggie, I let it pop.


Big mistake. This was going to be a "can't trust a fart" day, I found. Those wings betrayed me. How could they? Didn't they know this was my time?


Panic rushed over me. I felt heat in my face, and my britches. I shit my pants. A hot little bubble of deceit was nestled in my suit pants now, and I had 20 minutes until my meeting. My first fucking meeting of my career, with a big potential client, after I begged my boss and told him I wouldn't fuck it up. And here I am, shitting in the parking lot.


I threw my piece of shit car into Drive and hauled ass to the nearest ANYTHING- I found a McDonalds a block away. I waddle-walked into the restroom, and found a glimmer of hope in that nobody was in the stall. I dropped trow, and to my relief it wasn't a complete disaster. It was (mostly) contained in my boxers, and (mostly) solid. I felt a little pain for the poor kid that would be changing the trash here today, but I carefully stripped off my boxers and trashed them along with The Traitor, and quickly put my suit back on. I exited the bathroom, ran back to the Vue, red-faced, and checked my watch. 8:58. I got this.


I hauled ass back to the building, still smelling a little poopy, but as I screeched back into the parking lot I found an old Axe Body Spray canister in my center console. It gave me everything it had left. Just a little tiddlywink of piddle piss fell out of the nozzle, but it was enough to cut the lingering air of mud that I was sure was nestled in my loins.


Have you ever worn suit pants without undergear? It feels.. perverted?


Anyway, I walked into the building, feathers rustled as hell, around 9:04. The customer didn't come out until 9:30. I didn't get the sale, probably because I still sucked. And I had just shit my pants.


But for some reason, I wanted more. Now here I am.


What about you folks?

๐Ÿ˜‚ Sales Humor
๐Ÿฐ War Stories
๐Ÿ’ฉ Shitpost
33
funcoupons
WR Officer
14
๐Ÿ‘‘
I'm always shocked by these stories...I have never once come close to shitting my pants. Ya'll mafuckas need fibre.ย 
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
6
Sales
This is such a small humblebrag hahahah.ย 
funcoupons
WR Officer
9
๐Ÿ‘‘
LOL Is it though? Are we really at the place where "I've never shat my pants," is a brag? Hahahahaย 
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
4
Sales
I have a streak (phrasing) going back to kindergarten. Pretty proud of that!ย 
Filth
Politicker
3
Live Filthy or Die Clean
We get it, you and @funcouponsย and the rest of you holier than thouย non-sharters are better than us. But we're still standing, just maybe commando now b/c our undies are stuff in a trashcan somewhere.ย 

funcoupons
WR Officer
4
๐Ÿ‘‘
Honey if you're just realizing that I'm better than the rest of you...bless your heart.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
4
๐ŸฆŠ
BLESS. IT.ย 
funcoupons
WR Officer
3
๐Ÿ‘‘
Bless ALL of itย 
DustFrog
Catalyst
5
Business Development Manager
Look at Ms. Fancypants over here
funcoupons
WR Officer
5
๐Ÿ‘‘
Cleanpants actually
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
3
Sales
Hahaha
Sunbunny31
Politicker
4
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
They're probably both.ย  Also LOL.
funcoupons
WR Officer
3
๐Ÿ‘‘
tbh I barely wear pants...dresses/skirts 4eva
Sunbunny31
Politicker
4
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
I need a new wardrobe.ย  ย New Year resolution.ย  (too early?)
funcoupons
WR Officer
4
๐Ÿ‘‘
Never too early to care about clothes, haha
Sunbunny31
Politicker
4
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
I'm in my sweats right now.ย  Friday...no customer facing meetings today.ย  ย 

Hey, they're really clean and I look spiffy.ย ย 
Filth
Politicker
4
Live Filthy or Die Clean
It's all the damn draft beer and probably the dairy lol.

Only the most important serious sales topics here!
CuriousFox
WR Officer
6
๐ŸฆŠ
I love dairy so damn much. I wish it loved me back. ๐Ÿ˜’
Sunbunny31
Politicker
3
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Don't tell me cheese and ice cream are verboten for you.ย  ย 

That would be unfair.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
5
๐ŸฆŠ
Lactose intolerant like a mofo. I can have a very small amount per day, and I usually reserve it for cheese.ย 
Sunbunny31
Politicker
2
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Good choice, but ouch.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
4
๐ŸฆŠ
It's rather unfortunate ๐Ÿ˜
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
10
Sales
This is easily the post of the week. Maybe the month. From laying the suit out like an 8 year old to trusting a fart. Well done across the board if I could give a thousand upvotes I would.ย 

I had a client take me to lunch, I walked to their office. We got into his car, he promptly rear ended another car and then backed into a second. We didnโ€™t make it to lunch, nor did I close the sale. Fun day though.ย 
Filth
Politicker
3
Live Filthy or Die Clean
I love this mental visual I get of the client's face going, "welp, fuck this day, lets try again tomorrow."
sketchysales
Politicker
0
Sales Manager
This reminds me of when a delivery truck for where i used to work drove into a massive gate, knocked it over and it crushed the owner of the customers brand new Porsche 911.ย  Interesting call to get.
Filth
Politicker
6
Live Filthy or Die Clean
Similar situation, though not early in my career so I had some experience and skill to help me out:

I raced to a Panera in my best sales suit between meetings to take a piss, while in midstream at the urinal I felt a questionable fart brewing that had no intention of letting me decide if it was coming or going. I took a quick look around and nobody was in the bathroom with me. I decided, and executed an all-in-one spin, pants and briefs to the knees, and crouch into the open stall and planted my cheeks fractions of a second before the treacherous movement made its exit. SOOOOO fucking close to a brown blow-out, cancel the rest of the day, somebody come pick me up from school, experience. I felt exhilarated like I had Neo Matrix dodged bullets but also sweating with terror like and a man with a chainsaw wanting to wear my face was going to bust into the stall at any moment.ย  Breathed, wiped, and went to the next meeting and sold a copier.

I told this to my manager, a cherished mentor I call my "sales Mom" and she chuckled and explained she has 2 pair of backup panties in the trunk at all times for the same reason.ย 
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
3
Sales
Hahahahahahahah
DustFrog
Catalyst
2
Business Development Manager
Some of us are just born for this, friend.
FattySnacks
Politicker
5
Senior Account Executive
Lmao this was a wild ride
Incognito
WR Officer
5
Master of Disaster
Well that first (and only) meeting with the bridge painter was pretty brutal, considering that I had liposuction two or three days prior.ย 

I was in a full compression garment, foam boards and puppy pee pads stuffed everywhere to absorb the oozing blood and fluids. It was also August, and being fully tatted meant that I had to look professional but too many layers would be suspicious. I was also high as fuck from the pain meds and swollen like the marshmallow man.ย 

Over lunch.ย 

I did everything I could not to vomit.ย 

Still closed that shit.ย 

Pic for reference.
1nbatopshotfan
Politicker
4
Sales
Gahhh that looks painful!ย 
DustFrog
Catalyst
4
Business Development Manager
fuck yeah pain meds
Sunbunny31
Politicker
3
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Total badass to go through that and close the sale.
Incognito
WR Officer
4
Master of Disaster
Maybe it helped that I couldnโ€™t really talk ๐Ÿ˜‚
Sunbunny31
Politicker
2
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
LOL.ย  We are told to listen more.ย 
funcoupons
WR Officer
5
๐Ÿ‘‘
Ok ya filthy fucks, here's a story although it doesn't have to do with work:

I was on vacation with a friend, and we stopped in at a bakery to grab some treats. It just so happens that this bakery was one that catered to diabetics, with lots of low/no sugar options. But everything looked great, so we grabbed a cupcake, a few squares etc. Nothing too crazy. We ate them at the park before we embarked on a hike.

When we were almost finished hiking, my friend suddenly looks at me and says "I really need to go to the bathroom, and not pee." Ok...luckily there is an outhouse a bit up the path. I watch my friend RUN into the outhouse and since I was waiting right outside of it, I heard everything. A guy also walking by heard everything. To describe it as an "ass-xorism" would be astute. So my friend finishes up and we laugh, praising that an outhouse was luckily there and think that it's over with. Spoiler alert: Not over with.

After getting into the car to drive back to the airBNB, the stomach issues start up again. But not just for my friend...for me too. We're about 45 min away from any toilet, and it's not really funny after the first five minutes. We're both in agony, it literally felt like my stomach was going to explode it hurt so bad. My friend starts having really bad gas. Finally we're almost home and we both RUN upstairs where of course there's only one bathroom. I'll save you the gross details, but let's just say we became very familiar with each other that day and I'm happy we were close to begin with because if this was someone I didn't know well I would have been dying on the inside mentally, not just physically. This lasted for hours.

Finally, we thought it was over so that night we agreed to meet up with a couple friends for dinner. lolz. I think we were in the bathroom at least five times within an hour, only ending when my friend gracefully said we needed to peace out (making some excuse that we were super tired from the day.) In actuality it was because they really needed to fart, couldn't make the excuse that they needed to go to the bathroom anymore, and didn't want to fart at the fucking table.ย 

This episode lasted pretty much all day and night and I don't think either of us have touched sugar free baked goods ever since, and it's been years.ย 
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Did they use laxatives instead of chocolate?ย  ย I mean...holy cow, that's an unexpected outcome from baked goods.
funcoupons
WR Officer
2
๐Ÿ‘‘
LOL it's the sugar substitutes/sugar alcohols they use...if you're used to them (like a diabetic would be,) they're fine. But if you're not...see above.
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Lesson learned!ย  ย  I had no idea.ย  ย 
LordOfWar
Tycoon
5
Blow it up
What a rollercoaster!

I had almost something similar but halfway around the world.

Its 2016 and ya boi is in KSA or the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for all you unbelievers. As a white, tattooed guy I didn't exactly fit in, but everyone was pretty nice. Did you know there is a Chuck-e-cheese there? photo attached for proof.

The first day I arrive my local agent's assistant takes me to his place for dinner. His wife made some delicious but soon-to-be deadly chicken dish for us that I gobbled down.

Cue the next day and I literally cannot stop shitting. Every 15-30 mins I'm in the bathroom cursing my life and this country for what it has done to my sweet butthole. This goes on for 6 days. I did not eat anything for 2 days as I was foolishly thinking that without any fuel, the shit will stop flowing. Jokes on me, water can come from there too. Anything that touched my lips would be in the toilet 15-30 mins later.

Now is where it gets weird...

I sent our agent to go and get me meds, as I had some very important meetings that week and was clearly in no state to conduct them. He goes off and a few hours later comes back with some strange pills with Arabic writing all over them and the only English word is "Diane-35". Seems like a strange name for mud-butt pills, so I look it up.

Thank fuck I did, because they turned out to be estrogen pills. The dude literally told the pharmacist that his "Dear" had stomach issues and the guy thought he was talking about his wife with period pains and prescribed these. Friends, I almost grew tits in Saudi Arabia...

I decided to muster my energy and walk myself to the pharmacy since I clearly can't trust my dude to get me what I need. They give me two different pills, one of which is an anti-parasitic.

Now comes the fun 6 hour trip from Riyadh to Jubail, where we're supposed to have our meeting with the Saudi Navy Seals. Me, again a white, non-religious guy, visited every single mosque on the road between these two cities. Now you might think that taking a liquid crap in 40 degree C weather once is bad...try 10 times in 6 hours. I was debating letting myself suffer from extreme dehydration just so that I had no water left trying to leave my body.

We did finally make it and the next day I absolutely nailed the field demo, which for some asshole reason included racing the Navy Seals up a rappel tower. When the commander found out I had been so ill for the trip yet kept pace with his guys he was impressed and then proceeded to absolutely blast his guys for letting some sick foreigner who can't handle the heat smoke them on the stair climb.

I came back home and went to see my family doc, he took one look at the meds and said "Wow, we have not prescribed those in Canada for over 20 years". Apparently they are too strong and killed all my gut flora so I spent the next year and a half with a very weak stomach that would not tolerate anything that is fun to eat. Boss even had the gall to give me shit (pardon the pun) when I had to stay home a few days more than normal during the year because of the fallout to my health.

That deal was worth $9m and was in the bag thanks to my crazy trip...then our government dragged their feet on issuing an export permit and killed the whole thing. Thanks Trudeau.

But hey, I got a crazy story for the kids one day I guess...Oh yeah, I celebrated my birthday during this fiasco and no, I never once did actually shit my pants, so...mission accomplished?
Mobi85
Politicker
3
Regional Sales Manager
Damn shitty stories all around.ย  Can't say I have come close to shitting my pants but do always carry extra shirts and pants with me when I am traveling to visit customers because I have spilled shit on me more than once and can't go walking into a meeting with a ketchup stain or coffee stain on my shirt looking like a slob.ย 
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
I didn't realize how much of a slob I was until I was pregnant and everything, I mean everything, landed on my bump of a stomach.ย  ย I needed to use the tablecloth as a napkin at every meal.ย  Heck, even drinking wasn't safe.ย  I absolutely hate stains on my clothing, so that part of the experience was horrifying.
Mobi85
Politicker
0
Regional Sales Manager
Haven't been pregnant so can't relate on that front but the dadbod/papa's pooch has let me down a few times when grabbing a quick meal on the go.ย 
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
I think a beer belly would also qualify.ย  ย  :)
Fenderbaum
Politicker
3
Retired Choirboy๐Ÿช•
Oh my goodness!ย  Rather eloquent in your description and funny as hell!
SaaSsy
Politicker
2
AE
Thank you for this, great Friday laugh! ๐Ÿคฃ
Sunbunny31
Politicker
2
Sr Sales Executive ๐Ÿฐ
Cannot top that.ย  I can't even come close.ย  ย Thanks for the great story.
Blackwargreymon
Politicker
1
MDR
Cleanpants actually
Clashingsoulsspell
Politicker
1
ISR
I'm always shocked by these stories...I have never once come close to shitting my pants. Ya'll mafuckas need fibre.ย 
justatopproducer
Politicker
0
VP OF SALES -US
Hahahahahah this is hilarious. My buddy has one similar at a seminar in his field. Shat his pants. Not having a Deal to close or anything important to do, you would think he would leave. Nope. Free food and drinks so he throws his underwear away still with shit stains on his pants and could smell it.. walks out of the bathroom and begins to fraternize with all the other people. This my friends is why rich people stay rich. He wouldnt pass up a night of free food and alcohol even if it meant he had to โ€œcome cleanโ€ and tell someone it was in fact him who smelt like shit. No shame.
Gyro25
Notorious Answer
0
Account Executive
"I thought I farted, but I shit, now it's squishy where I sit"ย  https://youtu.be/qvOgAPa_mkw
JustGonnaSendIt
Politicker
0
Burn Towns, Get Money
I haven't shit myself before a meeting before, but I have been so worked up before meetings earlier in my career that I got the 'panic poops' and essentially wiped myself raw prior to the meeting after shitting like 5x in 2 hours.

Not a great feeling sitting there with a dingy ass trying to sell your wares.
MonthEndSpecial
Valued Contributor
0
Enterprise Account Executive
Did a tradeshow that was only 10 blocks from our office. The other guy and I decided that we didn't need a cab, because it was only 10 blocks.

It was 90 degrees out and we were both wearing suits. Both in good shape, but were sweating profusely by the time we got there.

I knew setup was going to take a bit, and I had the "going to meet my clients face to face nervous shits going". Not a bad thing, but something I had to go take care of, so I headed to the bathroom.

I did the obligatory 10 min phone session on the john, and pulled my pants up. Come to find out that starch, sweat, and 10 mins dry time is a horrible combination for pants that are folded as an accordion sleeve.

I spend the whole day with perfectly creased lines 2 inches apart down the entire length of my pants. I looked like a complete idiot.ย 
MR.StretchISR
Politicker
0
ISR
This is easily the post of the week. Maybe the month. From laying the suit out like an 8 year old to trusting a fart. Well done across the board if I could give a thousand upvotes I would.
Mr.Floaty
Politicker
0
BDR
I've worked in CPG, SaaS, Fitness (training), Insurance, and Recreation.
Cyberjarre
Politicker
0
BDR
I've worked in CPG, SaaS, Fitness (training), Insurance, and Recreation. Every single industry has a list of terms that will confuse the hell out of outsiders. Hit us with some of yours.
3

Worst Cold Call...... go

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