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How to set boundaries properly with senior AE trying to play role of manager with me?

Hey guys, I recently started a new job and there is this one AE who is very senior. TBH, he is probably a generation past mines and so far, I have noticed he is already becoming controlling and invasive towards me. For example, here are some things I have seen.


  1. He asked in a meeting "what are you really doing in the mornings?" and then teased (but not really) saying "oh I bet you don't even log on at 9 haha".
  2. He started to raise some issues with my ramp saying "they should have you doing more instead of just lounging around doing nothing, go make 40 calls in your second week or something because it seems like your ramp is just you collecting a base".
  3. He started spouting off things about the platform and his industry knowledge and then quizzed me in our first meeting saying "so how much do you really know about the company?". I tried to evade the answer saying I am ramping but he kept pushing.

I know this dude is my teammate but he is already trying to play manager with me. How do I properly set boundaries with this guy? What do I do?

☁️ Software Tech
27

20 comments

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oldcloser
Arsonist
9
💀
Sounds like some asshole pissing to mark his territory. There’s nothing managerial in what he’s doing. How exactly is your income his business?

This is schoolyard bully shit. You’re a threat to him. He’s scared you’re gonna make him look weak. I suggest you do just that.
Fenderbaum
Politicker
7
Retired Choirboy🪕
What you allow will continue.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
3
🦊
Ain't it. 💯
FinanceEngineer
Politicker
5
Sr Director, sales and partnerships
I do something similar, jokingly make remarks, when I’m trying to encourage behavior. It could be that he is trying to manage, but it could be him giving you a heads up that someone might be saying things to him and he trying to get the point across.

Question for you - have you been building pipe? Are you logging on later than others? Do you have knowledge gaps?

Just make sure you are taking care of you.
HVACexpert
Politicker
1
sales engineer
Yes, make sure you have receipts so you can specifically back up and point to what you are up to.

They being said, the guy is being an asshole. Pull him aside one on one and politely ask him what the deal is, and try to squash the issue. If he persists afterward then escalate.
RandyLahey
Politicker
3
Account Executive
Sounds like a lonely individual. Set clear boundaries with them, and if the behaviour continues, loop in your manager.
detectivegibbles
Politicker
2
Sales Director
Tell him to stop. He's not helping you or the team with his antics.
Justatitle
Big Shot
2
Account Executive
Sounds like the person has gotten to big for their britches. Have you raised this with your director?
SoccerandSales
Big Shot
2
Account Executive
If it is as big an issue as it seems, I would think that you should loop in your manny
Maximas
Tycoon
1
Senior Sales Executive
E.S.C.A.L.A.T.E
Pachacuti
Politicker
1
They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy
He may be helping you or he may be bored, hard to say. He could just see your potential and want to help you get there. Or he maybe mentoring you without you knowing it.

As long as what he says is smart, go with it.
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive 🐰
That's a busybody, not a manager.

True story, I had a BDR once who set meetings for me at a time I literally could not take them, back in the dark ages of me taking the bus 2 hours into the city. I had it cleared with my manager to work on the laptop while commuting, but there was no way for me to be on a call or demo during the commute time.

And THIS dude, when I told him I was not going to be able to take meetings at 8 am Pacific snarked back "well, I hope THAT'S ok with management that you're only available certain hours".

Dude didn't last much longer. The freaking nerve.

Anyway, if what you're doing is ok with management, you are progressing, you are documenting, then it's none of his business.

That said, could you turn this around? Maybe start asking for his expertise and insight on some things? If you can find a way to acknowledge him in a positive way and try to redirect some of this energy in a way that can benefit you and keep him focused on a way to help rather than a way to hinder, that could be the best path forward.
ThatNewAE
Big Shot
1
Account Executive - Mid enterprise
You can joke about him being too nosy. See if he understands. If not - take it in a bro-bro tone - Hey bro, I see you pass these comments that I am not comfortable with. Is there an issue you want to address?
Something like that to make sure he understands this is not right.

maybe he's done that before, but nobody said anything. Or maybe the upper management is pinning him down, so he is pinning you down. Either. Get some clarity and then decide if you want to escalate or not.
Irishman
Catalyst
1
Business Consultant
Use the guy - "hey bucko, you seem to have this figured out, can I shadow you and get the benefit of your experience and product knowledge?"
Foxtrot
Executive
0
Vice President of Business Development and Marketing
Ask him questions to learn as much as you can about the industry and the problems your company/solution solves. Learn stories about how your company has helped solve problems for clients.

Then leapfrog from him by leveraging that knowledge and protect your time.
doodly
Executive
0
Account Executive
I wouldn't even engage him. Leave his chat messages and emails unread. Ignore his questions and move on. If you're supposed to have a mentor as part of your new role, start looking to someone else at the company and update your manager in your 1:1 that you're leaning on X person and are excited to learn from them to get ramped up quickly! You are not required to allow bad energy into your space if you don't have to.
MrAnderson
Executive
0
AE
The two best frameworks I know for dealing with behavior you don't like is non-violent communication and "I message" from Chris Voss. You can always ask ChatGPT or Bard to use these frameworks and craft a message for you. I used Bard to come up with this...

-------

Sure, here is an I message you can use to communicate with the senior AE in person using Chris Voss's method:

Hey [senior AE's name], I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind.

When you asked me what I was doing in the mornings and then teased me about not logging on at 9, it made me feel like you were judging me and that my work ethic wasn't good enough.

I know that you're a senior AE and that you have a lot of experience. I also know that you're probably trying to help me succeed. But the way you've been communicating with me has been making me feel uncomfortable and stressed. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I'm a new employee and I'm still learning the ropes. I'm doing my best to ramp up quickly and I'm confident that I'll be able to meet your expectations.

In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could be more respectful of me and my work. I'm happy to answer any questions you have about my work, but I would prefer if you could ask them in a more constructive way.

Thanks for your understanding.
Here are some tips for using I messages from Chris Voss:
Start with "I." This helps to focus the conversation on your own feelings and needs.
Be specific. Describe the specific behavior that is causing you a problem.
Use "I feel" statements. This helps to express your emotions in a non-threatening way.
Share your needs. What do you need from the other person to feel better?
Be open to hearing the other person's perspective. Remember that the other person may not be aware of how their behavior is affecting you.
Be willing to compromise. You may not get everything you want, but you may be able to find a solution that works for both of you.


It's important to remember that I messages are a tool for communication. They are not a magic bullet for resolving conflict. But if you are willing to use them in a respectful and constructive way, they can help to improve your communication and build stronger relationships.
CRAG112
Valued Contributor
0
Account Executive
Do you think this is something your manager would correct? I would suggest telling HR you don't appreciate his demeaning attitude, but that's likely to just get you fired.

Better to tell your manager his condescension is inappropriate before saying anything to him directly.

If he continues, tell him flat out we work together. If you don't want to, good luck. And immediately exit the meeting after your statement.

I've done shit like that in deal negotiations with people behaving that way. Still signed the deal.

It's like the kids who get bullied. They get bullied because they can be.
0
VP of Account Management
I have found that simply asking "Why" when he asks one of those annoying probing questions is the best way to respond. Have him qualify why he is asking, what information he is trying to get at, etc... Make him explain his behavior, you may find out he is trying to help, poorly, but trying based on his skills...or maybe this is how he likes to haze new reps, or something else entirely. Treat him like a prospect, and try and understand his motivations.
Valueselling
Member
0
Managing Director
I would definitively start a conversation with him , understand if he had succeeded I the company and if he is back-supported by his manager. Never escalate a guy that is management-protected.

The worn mr Anderson suggested is very appropriate , although I would use it in a conversation after a lunch with him

I would start conversation by admitting he is experienced and valued and you wonder how can you get experience from him and try to understand what has made him successful, if logging at 9 am and making 40 calls a week and if that is the case, just kidding, why he is still a rep and not a manager

recognise him , ask for advise and tell him that you are sure he is eager to help but the way he is doing it makes you feel uncomfortable and you want to find a better way.

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