February 1 was day 61 for me in the new seat. Plan fully done, top to bottom. 80+ pages of outbound sales motion creation that says, "We're gonna do it like this." Miro boards, marketing pieces, collateral, contracts, handoff pieces, every last bit of it, from scratch. C-suite players approved. Board pitch scheduled. First two sellers and 1 BDR due to land on that day.
3 weeks prior, I'm wrapping up the BDR and seller #1 when CEO/Founder says, "I'd like you to meet this dude. He was here for just 2 months a few years ago. I didn't have time to train him. But having seen your structure, I think he'll thrive in your process. Great guy. Tried to build his own CRM to keep organized when we had nothing. Meet him. I forwarded his resume. Now, don't get me wrong. It's your department, your team, you gotta like him. But do me the favor and meet him."
What I heard is not what he said. I heard, "I've got your second seller. Quit looking. You've got momentum. Let me make this easy for you. Hire this guy. Do it, bitch" So, basically dude had a seat before I meet him. I half interview him, he seems fine. Boss wants him. Been here. Gets it. Easy plug n play. Done. He's hired. Easy from here, right?
A week before his start date he asks if I could give him a $500 stipend to rent a small office because his house wasn't large enough to have a workspace. What the fuck have I done. ย Next, he's getting his computer. Person who sends them calls me. Says, dude wants a backpack.ย A backpack? Is he going fucking hiking? I ask him why he wants a backpack? Says, "I always get those. You know with a logo on it. Also, while I have you, do you process corporate credit cards or is that an HR function?" Now I know I'm fucked. I run back to boss and tell him we're pulling the plug. Cancel offer. Kill it. Nope... we're gonna give him some time to get acclimated.
The fucking story ends exactly as you think. He never books a demo, or hits his shitty little month 1 KPIs, against no quota. Feb 28 he gets the KPI or quit note. Feb 29 he hits it. I'm pissed. But today he didn't even scare it. Terminated at EOD and was completely shocked.
"Why? Are you serious? What are you looking at? I did all that! Look at Hubspot! It's all in there. Are you kidding me?"
No, you didn't. Good luck to you. Done. The only remaining question is who is the fucking moron that hired this piece of shit in the first place? Of course it was me. I owned the whole thing. because I can't blame the boss when he clearly said it was my call... right? RIGHT! Now, i know it wasn't my call. He knows it wasn't my call. But that's not the point at all.
The only possible takeaway from this is that sometimes you just gotta eat a big bag of shit to keep peace. So we smile, swallow and waive as we parade into March. My pipe covered. it's like nothing ever happened.
Have a great weekend y'all. Don't TL;DR me. You've got nothing else to do.
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