js2458

Enterprise SDR

Valued Contributor

Email Template - No Hits

Hi all - wanted to post my email template below that I've been using. Wondering where this can be improved. Getting very very little hits but a lot of opens and tired of sending out emails and getting a bunch of views but no replies. Maybe it's personalization, but I'm a little stuck because there is some personalization in my emails. See the below:

Subject: (NAME)/js2458 Connect - (Brief Angle)

NAME -

Reaching out off the back of a recommendation for (company title) alongside (competitor title) and (competitor title) through our work with Forrester.

My organization is bringing together a group of fortune 500 Chief Merchandising Officers and COOs for a program in (date) at the (location)

Given a major focus for the group is around improving (angle), it seems like, on the surface, (company title) would be a great fit to work with our executives.

I've included a link below which will take you to our website where you can see the group that we're bringing together in (date):

(link) // (date), (location)

If these are good prospects for you to meet with and ultimately sell into, let me know when you have a few minutes this week to connect.

All the Best,

js2458

💌 Cold Emailing

14

31 comment

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poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

10

☕️

Major issue: it’s too long.

Re-write this email and make it 5 sentences max.

Second: your subject line immediately screams sales spam. Relate it to the value of your offer and not about a meeting.

js2458

Politicker

0

Enterprise SDR

How would u suggest I fix? Issue is if I take out any line, it’s taking out value and/or personalization.

Re the subject line - how would you suggest I reword as well? Like something moreso related to a trend in retail?

poweredbycaffeine

WR Lieutenant

1

☕️

How much you paying for my labor?

Re-write it and let’s edit together here.

js2458

Politicker

1

Enterprise SDR

Fair enough sir - let me tweak and I’ll hit you back with something :)

Kosta_Konfucius

Politicker

2

Sales Rep

If you are getting a lot of opens but no replied, I like to reply with a "Would you be opposed to an intro?" or "Would it be a bad idea to connect?"

Super short and easy to reply to

js2458

Politicker

0

Enterprise SDR

Not having an issue with this necessarily but it’s annoying that I’m having to do this with literally every email. My hit rate is about 1 percent and it shouldn’t be that low considering I am personalizing it.

FinanceEngineer

Politicker

2

Sr Director, sales and partnerships

If this is cold prospecting, I would see if you could cut it down to a single paragraph/3 sentences. Like - “we’re bringing together CMO’s and COO’s for xxx. Forrester loves us - <link to how>. Let’s chat!” Fast and easy to read. You really aren’t convincing a bunch of people with these emails, it is always just to be top of mind.

js2458

Politicker

0

Enterprise SDR

Only issue w that is no personalization? Or brief personalization and then just a paragraph and move on?

FinanceEngineer

Politicker

1

Sr Director, sales and partnerships

Yeah. This is prospecting. Once they are on the hook, then personalize. Just a little/enough to get them on the hook. I could be wrong, but it was worked in the finance and fintech world. But then again - “want money?” Or “are you built to scale and introduce new products” is rather binary and an easy sell.

Revenue_Rambo

Politicker

2

Director, Revenue Enablement

Agree this needs to be shortened, but what stands out to me is the passive tone of your message.Don't be afraid to be direct and confident in your ask.

For example. In your 3rd paragraph just eliminate "it seems like" & "on the surface". Those phrases scream uncertainty.

I'd replace that sentence with something like...
The primary focus of this group will be around improving X. Based on (recent press release, linkedin post, etc) we believe you be a great fit and would love to have you participate.

Diablo

Politicker

2

Sr. AE

I am not sure if this would help but I would cut it short and I’ll try and quantify the success that your clients have already got in the past after attending such group meetings.

pirate

Big Shot

2

🦜☠️ Account Executive

I know it's anonymous but it seems a bit too generic to me.

First line ok. Second:

Maybe what's ROI? Or benefit for prospect
As ROI we have seen and think these could be the benefits for you
X
X
X

Then shorten rest of it into few sentences instead of a paragraph

Try Vidyard maybe?

And min 2 email follow ups after that. And are you calling as well?

Just my ideas and what I would do. Hope it helps :)

js2458

Politicker

1

Enterprise SDR

Cold calling is my main method of outreach. Probably dialed 6-7k times past 3 months. Emailed way less as it’s way less successful. But, I’ve exhausted the phones bc my industry is specific so im trying to move more towards email. But, I suck so it’s a continuous loop lmao

pirate

Big Shot

0

🦜☠️ Account Executive

Good stats there! Any other tools you could use? Haha have a little nickname and voice changer on phone so you sound different

js2458

Politicker

1

Enterprise SDR

We use a somewhat questionable tactic to change our identity…don’t necessarily want to reveal but you can probably guess.

Revenue_Rambo

Politicker

1

Director, Revenue Enablement

That’s a crazy number of dials. Good for you.
Clearly it’s not a question of effort, just need to tweek the message.

The advice above is all solid. Keep it short. State the value to them. Lend some metrics from former attendees as social proof.

pirate

Big Shot

0

🦜☠️ Account Executive

Sometimes hits are lowered because of tools you use and companies having policies towards spam or your market. Don't give up because other reps might have higher engagement. Likely would need to call more

Justatitle

Big Shot

2

Account Executive

Far too long, very wordy and it seems very much like a billboard add. My advice FWIW is to make it more human, spend 5 minutes researching the person and tie it to something more specific that will catch their attention.

oldcloser

Arsonist

2

💀

☝️this

TheDude

Politicker

1

Partnerships Lead

To clarify one point, can prospects register at the link you've provided? or do they have to meet with you for you to qualify them?

Secondly, given the the link/date/location are likely fixed based on your segments, what is your marketing team doing to support segment awareness?

js2458

Politicker

0

Enterprise SDR

They can’t register - they can just look at the group and schedule a time to talk. Reason is that the sale is pretty significant, between 30-200k (average deal is probably abt 50k). Marketing team kind of sucks. Small team and we get very very very few inbounds. It’s almost all outbound

TheDude

Politicker

1

Partnerships Lead

If they aren't marketing for the event in any way, shape or form, you're fighting a losing battle.

Are you mentioning competitor names because that's your social proof?

If someone attends this event what value do they receive? Shrimp cocktail + a beverage ticket isn't working these days.

Once you've distilled that, cut down the email and ask if it makes sense to have a brief discussion about xyz.

js2458

Politicker

0

Enterprise SDR

There is marketing but it’s weak because we are a small company. Competitors names are supposed to incite a sense of “I want” to the program. Tbh, bossman told me to use it but have no idea why I’m putting it down.

Value is 1:1 meetings with high level executives. Other companies do similar but ours - to my knowledge - really emphasizes decision makers. We don’t have anyone lower than a VP and most of our attendees are C suite.

TheDude

Politicker

1

Partnerships Lead

Got it, so you're consolidating DMs into one room to accelerate some sales activity. It sounds like you've run these meetings before, what have been the outcomes for past attendees? E.g. "This is my third time attending js2458's event and I've seen an 69.42% increase in qualified deals leading to an additional 5 million in revenue this year"

Social proof of your events is the secret sauce imo.

TheDude

Politicker

0

Partnerships Lead

Lastly, hopefully your marketing team ran post event surveys LOL

js2458

Politicker

1

Enterprise SDR

That’s our ROI team. They do a bang up job. No idea about the stats because they don’t tell us that info just yet as we are SDRs. Literally no stats besides stats on membership (percentage of group that is C Suite etc). It’s one of the many issues my company has.

TheDude

Politicker

0

Partnerships Lead

If you can dig that up, it would seriously help add value andraison d'être to the cold email.

Scaleemup

Good Citizen

1

VP Sales

It’s the time of CALLING. Stop messing around with mails, pick up the phone 😚🤩

CuriousFox

WR Officer

1

🦊

Whoa I didn't even finish reading it. Seems fluffy.

AnchorPoint

Politicker

1

Business Coach

Give AI a shot

Maximas

Tycoon

0

Senior Sales Executive

It ain't bad overall,howeverI wouldn't go for meeting proposal at the first email tbh!
Mainly,what I'm suggesting is to focus more on the challenge the prospect has that your product shall solve and try to cut it short a bit.

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