C
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CaffeinatedGolfer

Account Manager

Fire Starter
Contributor
Good Citizen

Should I quit to spend time with my Dad? Or are there better options?

So, to give some background I'm an AM at a SaaS company. I’ve been with my current company for a year and a half and I've done pretty well, hitting quota 3 of 4 quarters last year and made over my OTE for 2023 (really killed it in Q4). I've got a solid history of hitting quota and solid performance as an AE and AM over my 5 year SaaS career. 

About 9 months ago, my dad was diagnosed with a fatal lung condition. He's getting worse very rapidly and is now going on a lung transplant list. From what his doctors have told us, lung transplants are no guarantee and even if it goes well it'll be a grueling 6-12 month recovery period. 

My dad is 2000+ miles away on the other side of the country, but is my best friend. Lately, this whole thing has gotten very real and has started effecting my work and motivation. I’m having my first bad quarter because of it. On top of that, I feel like I've been grinding nonstop for 5 years and feel pretty darn burnt out in general and I just don’t love the job, it’s okay but I don’t love it. 

My dad will likely get a new pair of lungs within the next year or so, but it's totally up to if/when he gets a match. To be realistic, he could die waiting for them. And even if he gets them, his body could reject them. As a caregiver, I will qualify for FMLA leave when the time comes for his surgery/recovery and my company even does payed FMLA! But lately, I can’t help thinking that these next few months could be the last window where he has some quality of life left. It’s also possible that the transplant does really well, but nothing is guaranteed and I don’t want to take a gamble and look back and regret missing spending time with him in that window. 

My job is remote, but Im not handling the stress from work combined with the stress from my dads situation well. I feel like I need the time off to focus on family. I don’t really think a sabbatical is an option as I haven’t been with the company long enough to qualify for one. I’m thinking about just quitting and moving to stay with him as I have no debt and 65k in savings which should tide me over for quite a while if needed. I’d plan on using the time to spend quality time with my dad and help my mom around the house and with his care as she's completely swamped now that my dad can't do much anymore. I'd also use the time to search for a new job, maybe even explore a new field. 

I’m torn on what to do because I don’t want to miss the time with my dad but I also don’t want to tank my career in the process. With quitting, I worry about health insurance and I worry about the job market the way it is now and how long it could take me to land a new gig with nothing lined up. 

I still think I’ll regret missing time with my dad in this moment more than I will ever regret being unemployed or spending more of my savings than I'd like, but I wanted to get the thoughts of some other professionals who understand this industry and market and see if there are any other options you guys see that I’m not seeing. Happy to hear general advice as well! 
🧠 Advice
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44 comments

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medhardwaredr
Opinionated
13
Director of Sales NA
1. YES go see your dad! Life is too short and waaaay to precious to miss anytime period. I left to be with my aging parents bc I love them very much and didn’t want to be the guy that regretted not spending time with those who dedicated their live’s to raising and providing for me.
2. He needs you. Whether he says it or not so go. End of story.
3. Work: if you can work remote while with him try it! If it’s too much or not working out well then quit like you are thinking about anyway.
4. Work: ask if they can work with you on this. If not, phuc’em get paid and dip. If so then you have your answer.
5. If he is passing and it’s that serious/risky utilize the governments protections for this stuff and go be with him.
Don’t stress yourself out over a pretty clear answer. Go, focus on what you need to when you need to and let us know how it goes!
Good luck @CaffeinatedGolfer I wish you and your father all the best in the coming months
jefe
Arsonist
9
🍁
^^^ All of this.

Family first, ALWAYS. Your career will recover, if it even becomes damaged.

Truly hope he gets the transplant soon
unclespacejam
Politicker
7
ur dad’s brother
Damn dog this is heavy. That’s a whole lot to weigh out. But the squad is right, we get such a short time on this earth you gotta seize the opportunity to spend time with your dad.

Time is limited, we can always get this bread later
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
2
Account Manager
Dude thank you. I agree. I hope we find him a match ASAP!
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
2
Account Manager
It’s definitely heavy and I wasn’t quite expecting anything like this for a while since he’s only 57, but shit happens.

Thanks for the perspective
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
2
Account Manager
Thank you @medhardwaredr! This is effing great advice. And thank you so much for your kind words.

Point #2 hit me hard. My dad’s a bit of a tough guy and is doing his best to hang onto his pride. We talk on the phone several times a week, each time he says he’s okay without me there, but I agree that he needs all the support he can get. Even if I’m just physically there to watch a ballgame with him each night I know that would make him so happy.

I booked a flight to go be with him next week. I’ll ride out working remotely from there as best as I can, but I’m gonna prioritize being present with him and what happens, happens.
Revenue_Rambo
Politicker
9
Director, Revenue Enablement
Go spend time with your dad.

You have the ability to work remote so take advantage of it.

The stress of managing work and personal will be nothing compared to guilt of you don’t just make the effort and time.
Sunbunny31
Politicker
7
Sr Sales Executive 🐰
My thoughts exactly. Go be with your dad. If you're concerned about work, work from there - and if that doesn't work out, then you do what's most important - taking care of and being with your dad.
oldcloser
Arsonist
4
💀
Not even a question. You get one dad. You’ll have 30 jobs
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
2
Account Manager
Yep I’ll give this a shot. Thanks for the perspective
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
1
Account Manager
Putting it this way makes it pretty clear. Thank you
Sunbunny31
Politicker
1
Sr Sales Executive 🐰
I do not regret for one second the time I took away from work to spend with my father after his lung cancer diagnosis. It was less than a year after the diagnosis that he died. It was much more important than work. There will always be work. Best wishes to you and your dad. Hoping for the best outcome for him.
CuriousFox
WR Officer
1
🦊
ditto
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
2
Account Manager
Thank you @revenue_rambo. This is a fantastic point. I also think removing the stress of being 2000+ miles away is going to make the balancing a bit easier.

I’ve decided I’m going to give it a go remote working from my parents place and be with him. I should at least give it a shot before I think about quitting. If I can’t hack it, I’ll reassess.
pirate
Big Shot
4
🦜☠️ Account Executive
Family first, spend time with your dad. Really sorry to hear about your dad's lungs
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
1
Account Manager
Thank you. I going to go be with him.

I’m hopeful that he’ll get a transplant and do great with a new pair! Just don’t want to bet the farm on that and be wrong and filled with regret later on.
Space_Ghost20
Valued Contributor
3
Account Executive
We went through something similar last year. My father-in-law's brain tumor returned and he wasn't doing very well. What complicated matters that he didn't live in the US so my wife would need special permission from her employer to work from abroad. My employer would not let me work from outside the US so I couldn't go. But we decided that the right thing to do would be for her to go and help take care of him and if her employer wouldn't let her then so be it, we'll deal with the fallout. Unlike you though, my wife's relationship with her father was complicated/strained (as it was with all his relationships, he could be prickly) and it was more out of duty than any kind of special bond (sad as that may sound). She did get to see him for 6 months and it genuinely made him happy. My wife came back in October and intended to go back to Jordan this spring but he died in January so that never came to pass.

I guess it's just a long way of saying go be with him, and what happens happens.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Sounds very complex and must have been very difficult to make those decisions. Your wife sounds like she made the right decision and I admire her for it, especially not having the best relationship with her dad.

I didn’t mention this in the original post, but I live with my girlfriend of 5 years out here on the west coast. She’s finishing up law school this year. Leaving her here alone has been another factor in this decision, but we talked last night and I’m going to make frequent longer trips back east to be with my dad most of the time and try to make it back west when I can to help support her as well. I need to be here for her big moments too like graduation, taking the Bar and whatnot. It’ll be a challenge, but I’ll do my best. I’m also planning on proposing soon!
Space_Ghost20
Valued Contributor
0
Account Executive
I think going helped her cope with his death a lot easier than had she not gone. And I'm not going to lie it was definitely a stressful time. Between the time difference (8 hours) and her hectic schedule (she was often sleeping in 2 hour spurts to make sure he got his meds and meals when he needed them) we would go weeks sometimes without speaking to each other (just texts and memes).

All you can do is your best. Hopefully things work out and hopefully that proposal goes well. Good luck.
Pachacuti
Politicker
3
They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy
First off sorry about your dad. That sucks.

Since you are remote I’d just explain things to your boss and HR that you want to move. Being closer will help you feel better and keeping your job will help you keep your mind off your dad’s problems.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
1
Account Manager
I reached out to HR yesterday, meeting with them next week also flying easy next week, so I should be clear to do this.

Being closer will help a lot I think. I’ll feel a little less helpless as I can at least be by his side and do some helping around the house. I can’t make him better but I can make him happier I think
Pachacuti
Politicker
1
They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy
Good. Glad you reached out to HR in this as this is kinda what they live for.

And I think instead of quitting your job (which I doubt your dad would want), just being closer will help you out.
FoodForSales
Politicker
0
AE
I think @Pachacuti has the best answer here. Be remote and be close to your dad.
NoToBANT
Catalyst
3
Senior Account Executive
I think Medhardware nailed it

I feel like these are your options:
- Don’t go and some tragic happens and you regret it for the rest of your life
- Go and something tragic happens and you’ll be glad you went and had some valuable time with a man who you clearly admire and love
- Go and he’s fine, those will be the happiest memories of your life and he’ll appreciate that you were there to help him through recovery

I definitely wouldn’t advise quitting before at least trying to see if you can make it work (work and be with your pops)

If it gets too much, speak to your work and see if you can have reduced target, lower OTW, cut base and work less hours (if they value you, they’ll see the benefit in being flexible)

If they say no, then at least you earned in that time
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
I like the way you laid out the options. It’s clear I need to go be with him, I’ve felt that in my heart and this thread has sealed the deal. I’ve already booked my flight.

As for work I agree, I’ll give working remotely back east my best shot and what happens, happens.

I hate the idea of not performing my best or hitting quota, but I need to go a bit easier on myself considering I’ve got a huge thing I’m dealing with. It’d be a miracle if I was able to preform at 100% right now. Easier said than done tho, I’m working on it.
SalesBeast
Politicker
2
Sales Leader
Family first. Unless your dad was a pile to you, go be with him. Tell company you need to work from another location and just cruise it a while.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
Thank you for the reply. Yeah this seems to be the way to go
coletrain
Politicker
2
Account Executive
I stopped when I saw "fatal lung condition"
OP, I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. I can't imagine it is easy right now. What is easy is this answer: Spend time with your dad, you can always go back to work.
If I understand correctly, FMLA applies since it's a parent which makes it even more of a yes
--------
Edit: I finished reading and see you mention FMLA is offered. That's a conversation that if I were in your shoes I would be having today.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
Thank you! It’s not easy but we’ll he through it and there is hope with the transplant!

From my understanding, FMLA will only really apply once he gets the surgery and needs full care. Right now he’s at about 20% lung capacity and is on oxygen 100% of the time, but he can still walk around a bit (from the couch to the fridge or out to the car). He can make the trek up/down the stairs once a day, but is gassed when he does it.

I think I’ll get to take leave to help with his recovery from the surgery which is a 6-12 month period, so my mom, siblings and I are going to have to switch out being his primary caretaker as we all work and FMLA only covers 12 weeks.

The problem is that I don’t believe FMLA covers the window we’re in now where he’s still got some quality of life left, and is mostly able to care for himself. Maybe it does and I’m wrong, please let me know if I am!

This window of time is when I want to be with him most as we can still make memories. He’s only going to get worse from here and as I mentioned the surgery is no guarantee, so I want to be there now as it could be his last window. I’m sure once it gets bad enough (likely in a few months) I’ll qualify for FMLA, but I think I’ve got to stick it out a bit longer before I can take FMLA. I’ll confirm this with HR
Filth
Politicker
2
Live Filthy or Die Clean
Shit...I'm going to call my dad and get a beer this weekend with him... @medhardwaredr said all you need but man you just put shit into perspective for me. Best of luck, hopefully your org has a heart and works with you but go get your dad that love and help.
Cafe.con.Leche
Executive
1
SDR
Yes please go to your dad, I’ve worked in healthcare and most if not all terminal patients always say they wished they would have worked less and spent more time with their family.

I keep reminding myself to be balanced.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
I don’t want to be the guy filled with regret. Thanks for the perspective! Balance is key
Fenderbaum
Politicker
1
Retired Choirboy🪕
I lost my Pops two years ago. I miss him terribly. Go see your Dad.
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
1
Account Manager
I’m sorry for your loss. I booked a flight for next week! Thanks for the encouragement
Fenderbaum
Politicker
0
Retired Choirboy🪕
😊
ARRisLife
Politicker
1
Account Executive
Promise you this.. in 30 years when you look back you won’t wish you opted to be devoted to the job.

If you can financially swing it to bail and go spend time with your father 10000000% go do that and don’t look back.

You’ll be able to get back into corporate life after and a ‘gap’ in your professional career given the scenario is the most admirable thing, anyone who would view that as a negative is someone you wouldn’t want to work for.

Prayers for your father - time is PRECIOUS
CaffeinatedGolfer
Fire Starter
0
Account Manager
Thank you for the advice, kind words and prayers. I agree, especially about the resume gap, I worry about it, but this is a great point. If I was interviewing someone that left to be with a sick parent I wouldn’t bat an eye.
NoToBANT
Catalyst
0
Senior Account Executive
You know, I don’t know a single rep who has hit 100% of target for multiple multiple quarters over many years

Cut yourself some slack

I wish you and your dad the best ❤️
Justatitle
Big Shot
0
Account Executive
Go to your dad
0
Commercial Account Manager
I'm so sorry for your situation. Please be with your dad. You are strong to figure out the rest
Chep
WR Officer
0
Bitcoin Adoption Specialist
A job can replace you easily but family can’t. Prioritize what matters in life
TheHypnotist
Executive
0
Sales Manager
When your dad is lying on his death bed (assuming that is how it ultimately ends, i.e. not hit by a bus crossing the road) do you honestly see yourself saying "I should have worked more and spent less time with him" ?
0
Account Executive
Yes yes yes. Quit to spend time with your dad. This is just a job, it literally doesn’t matter.
MeowMeow
Politicker
0
Senior Enterprise Account Executive
I am so sorry you are going through this. This thread has already provided ample insight and advice. (Y’all really the best sometimes!)

I’m in a similar situation and if you have access to FMLA, use it! I was able to take time on an as needed basis since being totally MIA was unnecessary. If you have the will to continue working it’s a great option to help you keep your job and work more of a part time schedule.

Best of luck to you as you navigate these difficult times. Family first!

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