The crisp Monday morning begins as you stride into the office, breaking it as you slide into your chair, before bringing it to the desk. A comfortable recline. You've had your stand up call this morning, and you're having your little BDR focus on Enterprise, as you've got running pipeline for now. Salespeople don't get holidays. A time like this? Pretty much the closest thing to it.
After all, it's springtime in London. The start of the new quarter! And what a time it is! They said the economy wouldn't recover, and here you are. Sitting on 113% for Q1! Nobody ever saw it coming! Not from the new hotshot. Well, not so new now. But tenured. The best BDR this company ever saw. And now the hotshot AE. You're positively giddy that fun Lucy from HR will ask how your quarter went.
As you embrace the comfortable delirium of your success, the spell is rudely broken. Also in the office isn't just the attractive women from HR, marketing, or... whatever other profession exists at this company that isn't sales. There's your nemesis.
He's sitting there, chatting to the pretty lady from legal (you make a note of this. Include legal, too). About... a contract? What could he possibly want? He only looks after signed contracts. You're a seasoned Account Exec. You've been in this role for 11 months.
You decide to approach.
"Hey, rare to see legal with the Account Management team. Can't imagine there's much our clients aren't happy with once they sign?" You add, with a grin.
Your nemesis looks up. "Brad," he says, carefully adjusting his fringe as if it calibrates his next words. "Most of my time with legal is spent fixing your contracts."
The girl from legal giggles. She turns to you now. "David! That's not true, though it might be if you learned how to use docusign. Congrats on Q1, by the way, Brad."
Your nemesis continues. "So, I was thinking... how about we pro-rata what was promised here... until the deliverables are in place, and what I'll try and do is negotiate a case-study? Position the beta version, which was sold as a finished product, as a pilot for select customers only..." wait, what the fuck? You can't believe it? You, the master of room management, and you've fucking lost both of them?
They're ignoring you!
Discovery. "What's the problem with the contract?"
"You missold them."
You laugh. "That's insane. I didn't promise them anything that wasn't there."
Your nemesis acknowledges this. "Yes, you didn't. I watched the calls. Good discovery, but poor listening. You didn't know what their exact use case was."
"I demoed them the platform..." You pause, only now realising you don't actually know your nemesis' name. You tend to ignore most non-closers. And AMs aren't real sales people. Fuck yeah! Tell him that! "... And, also, I find it a bit rich that you're telling me my discovery was poor."
"A bit rich?" He says with a grin.
"Bro, I don't want to be hostile..."
Oh baby, this is the fucking KISSER. You've set it up perfectly for no HR involvement too, with a conciliatory 'bro' and 'not wanting to be hostile.' All you need to do now is stick the landing. And then Legal is all yours.
"...you literally sit around waiting for people to come and buy more seats from you?"
Barely a beat goes by. "... As opposed to when you court the attention of an inbound?"
You scoff. "That's different. What about outbound."
Your nemesis just shakes his head. "You sign one, siloed team in the UK. I initially work with one, siloed team in the UK. I reach out to the team in the US. I get them to buy for more. Yes, I'm saved the hassle of paperwork, but it's not much different."
"Then why do it?"
Your nemesis replies without a hint of malice. "I like it more. More long-term strategic, if you will. Anyway, Jessica..."
As he continues his discussion with the girl from Legal, you feel like your world has been shaken. Aren't all account managers just tenured Customer Success that weren't braindead (so, hardly any of them)? With all the commercial acumen of a baked potato? These thoughts plague you as you slink back to your desk. One of the other AEs, sitting next to you, shoots a wave. You blink.
"Hey Brad," he says.
"Yeah?" You reply.
"The guy and the girl you were speaking to, who are they?" he asks.
"Oh, account manager and legal." You reply.
"Names? I need legal, what's their slack."
Your brain seems to almost exhale a sigh from its smooshy folds. To be fair, it's been way too long for you to ask their names. And they don't come up in conversation very often.
"I don't know." You reply.
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