Saleswithsingh

Sales manager

Rate this cold email (Please try to suggest alternatives or what should I change)

Hey {First Name},

Huge fan of {Company name} and came to New York few times with family, I know you're extremely busy so i won't take much time...

We built a process that will 3-5X the growth by creating video-content from your pre existing blog posts for YouTube and social media.

Your competitors are sleeping on this, so how about if we take first mover advantage before it gets too saturated?

Worth a chat?

Warm Regards,

🔎 Prospecting

👑 Sales Strategy

💌 Cold Emailing

14 comments

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braintank

Politicker

Enterprise Account Executive

Bad

1) what does coming to New York with your family have to do with anything? Are you targeting the mayor?

2) Saying "I know you're extremely busy so i won't take much time..." is a waste of the readers time and makes your email unnecessarily longer.

3) You "built a process"? Are you selling a process or technology?

4) 3-5x the growth of what?

5) Isn't YouTube already oversaturated with video?

Reading this I struggle to understand what you do and what problem you're solving. My best guess is you're some agency that churns out generic videos. Why should I care and why would I need this?

js2458

Politicker

Enterprise SDR

Yea I tend to lean with not great as well. Seems generic, templated, and comes off as somewhat needy with the whole NY commonality thing.

Skip the BS and cutesy stuff and cut into it - why do people (job titles, companies etc) like your prospects want to buy your product? Your prospects don’t care that you are a huge fan of them; they care that you can fix their problems.

oldcloser

Arsonist

💀

Prospect in New York.
That meant something to you as you just went there.
It means nothing to the prospect.

This reads to me like “Hey, {generic client} {personal anecdote}. We built a {random undefined thing} that will {generic growth claim}.

I haven’t sold your {generic competitors} but maybe I can get you if I’m going to hit quota.

Shorter, factual. same punchy tone is fine. But it has to say “real result.”

Filth

Politicker

Live Filthy or Die Clean

Yeah at the least refer to something NY specific..."Yankees suck huh?" and get specific about pain alleviates or solution you are selling. IDK this is not a good email at all.

Head of Growth

Re-wrote it for you:

Hi {first_name},
As the author of the blog "Blog Name", would you be interested in getting more leverage out of high value content like this with very little effort?

I work with marketers to maximize the ROI on every piece of content. Your work deserves a lot more traction than it's getting from traditional content strategies.

I can walk you through how this blog can bring in 20 more leads with one simple strategy. Worth 15 minutes of your time?

Pachacuti

Politicker

They call me Daddy, Sales Daddy

blah. **IF** it made it through my spam filter, it would be deleted right away.

You make a claim without substantiating it. You can literately claim anything in that email...you'll 10000000x their networth if they buy your widget!!! Means nothing. And if its SOOO GOOOD, why aren't you doing it yourself?!?!

I want to know who else is using your solution and to what end. Drop names. And not just Google or Microsoft... names of companies adjacent to me.

"We delivered X to Company A & B with <this> results. We can do the same for you.... etc.

That's how you do cold emails.

FoodForSales

Politicker

yah, that email is a fast delete

Maximas

Tycoon

Senior Sales Executive

Excellent one already ,no need to add more IMO!

pirate

Big Shot

🦜☠️ Account Executive

Maybe mention competitors by name? Your competitors (XX xx and x I imagine) are sleeping on this! So how about...

Nice email!

SaaSguy

Tycoon

Account Executive

The New York bit seems a bit out of context

CPTAmerica

Opinionated

President/CRO

solid, take out the "I know you're busy" part. That's in one of the first lines which will show on the prospects preview screen on their phone. That line is a dead giveaway that it's a sales email.

CRAG112

Valued Contributor

Account Executive

Your email is all about you and your company. Too much fluff. Screams salesy. Then you go and flat out say we can 3x-5x your current results. Like OMG, validation with zero proof...... what else is false.

Anyways.

Besides talk and bs, I re-wrote it.

(First Name),

I reached out because we normally work with others holding your (insert
job title, position, or ownership of company/business) in regards to increasing
their U-Tube traffic.

We similarly aided (name drop 1-3 super
relevant companies that are in the same vertical or do exactly what this person
does). Is this currently on your radar?

Every message following that one should be in the form of a nurturing email. Constantly proving how you can do what they would pay you for, not trying to convince them you can.

hustlemonkey

Personal Narrative

Account Executive

I’d rate this email 2/10. Try applying simple copywriting frameworks.

Here’s a basic one: Pain-Agitate-Solution (PAS).

{FirstName},

{Blog Title} is one of your better posts. But, I noticed you had no video content to support it.

Companies not leveraging video AND blogs are seeing X% less traffic. In other words Y% less sales/conversions.

{Customer Z} boosted conversions by B% from repurposing blogs into video.

Simple idea, but time consuming. Worth chatting about how you can do the same in less than 6 minutes per blog?

{YourName}

Sales Development Representative

Hey guys! Could you give me some suggestions on this email as well?

Subject : Boost engagement and monetisation for ( your game name )
Hi [First Name],

Imagine you are playing (game name) but instead of (name of protagonist) the character looks just like you. This is how we can help you- Custom In-game Avatars that look identical to you.
(picture of ss of person with you)

Good characters really can hook players like nothing else. Did you know that for 60% of Gen Z’ers their digital identity is more important than how they present themselves in person?
This is exactly why industry giants like EA, Ubisoft and many others have invested massively in their avatar creators. I would like to offer you an avatar platform that is way more advanced and leveraging the latest advancements in AI.

I created this online demo here for you where you can play as yourself, so you can immediately experience first hand the excitement that your gamers will have when playing (game name) as themselves.

There are many ways to monetise Avaturn once integrated: from the in game characters to custom garments : we have clients that have taken these avatars and drove not just user engagement but also motnetization. Perhaps you could also benefit from this.

Does it make sense to explore how we can boost your user engagement?

Best,

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If you are hired as a contract sales rep by a Bravado customer, we may ask you to prove access to the employee email account provided to you by that customer. This data will be shared with customers to track your sales productivity; customers can use this data to confirm you meet the minimum activity requirements to pay out your ramp stipend and commission.

Saleswithsingh

Rate this cold email (Please try to suggest alternatives or what should I change)

14 comments

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